posted October 11, 2002 12:26 AM
"Re-Focus" Scene 1:
[Setting: Jenn's Apartment. Jenn is sitting at home for what she expects to be a quiet Friday night. Steph, Kellye, Richard, Alex, and Fred all come over and foil Jenn's plans. However, Jenn's evening is ruined when Denise, her way cool boss, calls and asks her to review the new movie "Re-Focus," which opened in theaters that day. The movie has received positive press attention in the United States and in Canada, but no critical response concerning movies are ever complete until Jenn provides her two cents and gets change back.]
Jenn: Ah, its a wonderful night. All by myself, alone and wearing my lucky lime green panties. Life is good.
[Knock on the door.]
Jenn: Damn it. Maybe if I sit silently, the person at the door will go away.
Steph: I know you're in there, Jenn. I just heard you talking to yourself.
Jenn: If you must, Steph. Come in.
Steph: Hey Jenn.
Jenn: Hey Steph, what's new?
Steph: Nothing much, I just wanted to know if you'd like to go see that movie "Re-Focus" with me and some of the gang.
Jenn: I'd never see that piece of shite, unless I really had to. Thankfully, Denise is my way cool boss, and she'd never make me see a movie I don't want to see.
[Knock on the door.]
Steph: Come in!
Jenn: Hey, that might be some mass murderer wanting to kill us all.
[Richard enters.]
Jenn: Worse, its Richard.
Steph: Rich is cool, and he's definitely not a mass murderer.
Richard: Hey guys.
Jenn: Can't you tell we're girls?
Richard: Sorry, sir. Hi girls.
Steph: Do you want to go see "Re-Focus" with me, Rich?
Richard: Cool, I want to see that movie. I've heard great reviews so far. What do you think Jenn?
Jenn: No, I don't want to see it. It looks like it doesn't make much sense to me.
Steph: I heard its a movie for a turned on audience.
Richard: More like a drugged out audience, as Jenn would put it.
[Richard, at this point, starts munching on the potato chips Jenn had on her coffee table. Jenn and Steph look at him in disbelief.]
Richard: What? I haven't had anything to eat all day, and I'm hungry. You act as if I have the munchies.
Jenn: Oye. The dumbing down of Canada.
[Knock on the door.]
Richard: Come in.
Jenn: You do know that this is my apartment, and that you could be letting in a mass murderer.
Richard: So.
Jenn: I'm a big fan of living.
Steph: You so silly, Jenn.
[Kellye, Alex, and Fred are at the door and they walk inside Jenn's apartment.]
Kellye: Hiya guys.
Jenn, Steph, and Richard: Hi Kellye.
Alex: What's up?
Steph: The sky.
Richard: That's old.
Steph: But so is your mom.
Fred: Funky, Ericka would like that one.
Richard: But your mom is older than mine.
Steph: Is she?
Richard: That's the word on the street.
Kellye: What's the word on the street?
Jenn: Its a stupid Richard-ism.
Alex: Do you guys want to go see "Re-Focus"?
Fred: I heard its quite funky.
Steph, Richard, and Kellye: Yeah, that's a great movie according to the reviews.
Kellye: Its a movie for a turned on audience. Do you want to see it, Jenn?
Steph [mocking Jenn]: I'd never see that piece
Richard [mocking Jenn]: of shite, unless I really had to.
Alex [mocking Jenn]: Thankfully, Denise is my way cool boss,
Fred [mocking Jenn]: and she'd never make me see a movie I don't want to see.
Jenn: Damn straight, but you know, you guys can be such assholes some times.
Steph, Richard, Kellye, Alex, and Fred: But we love you, Jenn. We're only messing with you.
[Phone rings.]
Jenn [after picking up the phone]: Hello.
Denise: Hey Jenn.
Jenn: Hey, there my way cool friend. How are you?
Denise: I'm cool, you?
Jenn: I'm hanging in there.
Denise: That's good. I need you to do me a favor. As you know, "Re-Focus" has garnered a lot of press attention, and I'd like you to see the movie and provide us with a review of it.
Jenn: Noooooooo.
Denise: Why?
Jenn: I don't want to see that piece of shite.
Denise: But you have to, its your job.
Jenn: Okay, I've regained my composure. Its okay. I'll see the movie, and I'll do it in the name of journalism.
Denise: Well, in journalism, you're supposed to have an open mind and an unbiased viewpoint.
Jenn: Okay, you're right. I'm clearing my mind right now.
Kellye: That's probably not hard to do.
[Jenn gives Kellye a dirty look, and raises the back of her hand.]
Jenn [to Denise]: Okay, I'm better now. I'll see the movie and give you your review.
Denise: Great Jenn, I'm looking forward to reading your review. Bye.
Jenn: Bye.
[Hangs up the phone.]
Jenn: Yeah, way cool boss whatever.
[Phone rings]
Jenn: Hello?
Denise: Yeah, its me. I heard that, "way cool boss whatever."
Jenn [sheepishly]: I'm sorry.
Denise: I'll let it slide.
Jenn: You're way cool for doing that.
Denise: I know.
Jenn: Bye.
Denise: Bye.
[Jenn hangs up the phone.]
Steph: It looks like we're off to see "Re-Focus" with Jenn, and for free.
Alex: For free. Free stuff rocks?
Jenn: Yep.
Kellye: Yey. Free stuff is cool.
Fred: Free stuff is funky.
Richard: Free stuff is great, like sex.
Jenn: Gee, a thank you would be nice.
All [except Jenn]: Thank you, Jenn McKeown.
Scene 2:
[Setting: Jenn, Steph, Richard, Kellye, Alex, and Fred all go to the Whitby 24 Movie
Theatre located at 75 Consumers Dr. (Hwy 401 & Thickson Rd.) in Whitby. The gang sits down in the theatre and waits for the movie to begin. The lights dim, and the music commences.]
Steph: Its starting. Its starting.
Richard: I’m so excited.
Jenn: I’m so going to trash this movie.
[Jenn’s cell phone rings, which brings a groan to the audience.]
Audience Member #1: Turn that damn thing off.
Audience Member #2: Turn it off or I’m going to shove that thing up your ass.
Jenn: Don’t mess with me damn it, or I’ll shove my foot so far up your ass that it’ll come out your mouth.
Kellye: You get ‘em girl.
Jenn [answers cell phone]: Hello?
Denise: Remember, journalists keep an open mind. Don’t pre-judge this film.
Jenn: Yes Denise.
[Jenn, turns off the cell phone, and looks over to Steph.]
Jenn: Its like Denise is following me, or has one of you bugged.
Steph: He he he he.
Richard: That’s way cool if you ask me. Denise is pretty way cool.
Alex: That is way cool, you know.
Fred: That’s as funky as my trousers.
[Audience members simultaneously yell, “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”]
[The movie begins.]
Vignette #1: The Reluctant Rock Star
Scene 1:
[Setting: Richard and Rob are holding an audition for Damion Satan and Chuck Southern, two record executives for Blue Ball Records. With Satan and Southern, there is Kori Goldbong, a reviewer for a national entertainment magazine. The movie begins with sounds of Richard and Rob playing the guitar, doing their rendition of the Duncan Sheik song, “Such Reveries.”]
Richard:
“Such Reveries”
(Duncan Sheik)
You and I in the room with the balcony
You lie on the bed while I stare at the sea
I stare at the sea
Oh such reveries
And we're riding the ponies in Mexico.
The moonlight leaps through the palm tree groves
Oh, wouldn't you know?
We're in Mexico
Yes all of these things, all of these things
They are such reveries, ohh
All of these things, all of these things
They are such reveries
The oceans waves loomed as large as could be
They threw us below but you held onto me
Yeah, you held onto me
Oh such reveries
'Cause you are my treasure, a love that astounds
The end of my searches, my looking around
No more looking around
A love that astounds.
Yes all of these things, all of these things
They are such reveries, ohh
All of these things, all of these things
They are such reveries
But don't listen to me,
It's my imagination
I don't even know you
It never happened
Just dreams in slow motion
They never happened
All that I told you
It never happened ever
'Cause all of these things, all of these things
They are just reveries, ohh
All of these things, all of these things
They are just reveries
Yes all of these things, all of these things
They are just reveries, ohh
All of these things, all of these things
They are just reveries
So many visions still to see
And many travails before I may sleep
But then when I sleep
Oh such reveries
© 2002 Duncan Sheik Songs/Happ Dog/Careers-BMG Publishing Inc. (BMI)
Damion Satan: That was a very beautiful song guys.
Chuck Southern: Yes.
Richard: Thank you.
Rob: Thank you sirs.
Kori Goldbong: That song sounded pretty white.
Richard: Yeah, but so am I.
Rob: And the same thing goes for Christmas.
Richard: Not to mention most of the characters you find on major network television shows.
K.G.: You need something with a hip hop beat that will survive with the masses, like Jay-Z.
Richard: No way.
Rob: We’re not changing our music.
D.S.: While your music is beautiful, we’re looking for the bottom line.
C.S.: We’re looking for something a bit more commercial.
K.G.: You both have the look, but you both sound like self absorbed wankers.
Richard: Have you forgotten to take your sedatives?
K.G.: Thanks for the reminder.
[Looks through her purse.]
D.S.: We want to make you two the next big things.
C.S.: We want to make you bigger than the Backstreet Boys.
D.S.: We’re talking about over saturating you in the public, Holiday Cds, terrible movies, action figures, posters, calendars, and everything that goes with mass marketing you to the consumer public at large.
C.S.: We’re talking about classic things. We’d make millions, and screw you two out of it.
Rob: So, you want us to sell our souls to the devil.
D.S.: That wouldn’t be a bad idea.
C.S.: Sign right here, and you’ll get everything you wanted: Wine, women, song, money, and for you Rob, a second chord for you to play.
Rob: Really? Cool.
Richard: Hey, wait a minute, you didn’t listen to the song just a minute ago. Rob played several chord.
Rob: Let the man talk, I want to learn a second chord.
D.S.: That’s good my boy. I have a contract with both of your names on it, consider it the closest thing, if not the thing in itself, to signing your soul away to the devil. Sign right here.
Rob: Okay.
[Rob signs the contract.]
C.S.: Are you going to sign, Richard?
Richard: No.
Rob: Come on, Richard. We’ll get everything we ever wanted.
D.S.: Not to mention all the women you could lay.
Richard: Really?
C.S.: You’ve heard of groupies, haven’t you?
Richard: Yeah.
C.S.: Well, they haven’t gone away, and they’ll follow you wherever you go.
D.S.: Think of all the STDs you can get.
Richard: Well, they say STDs are the gifts that keep on giving. Sign me up.
C.S.: Fantastic.
[Richard signs the contract.]
Scene 2:
[Setting: As soon as Richard signs the contract, he and Rob are immediately in front of a large, sold out arena with screaming fans chanting their names. Reporters have marveled at the attention R & R, Richard and Rob’s band name, has received. For an important television special to be aired on national television, Jenn is giving interviews with fans as to why they like R & R.]
Jenn: We’re here at FedEx Field in Landover, MD for the last concert in the American leg of R & R’s world tour. At the moment, estimates have the paid attendance at 44,550 people, which places R & R on the level, albeit falling short, of The Beatles and their Shea Stadium concert back in the summer of 1965. The question, though, is why do people like R & R so much?
[In the background, listeners can hear people loudly chanting, “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.” “We want R & R.”]
[Jenn goes to one concert goer for an interview.]
Jenn: Why do you like R & R so much?
Fan #1: I’ve seen R & R about ten times during their tour through America, and I have to say they’re really great guys and great musicians. Everytime they perform, they put on an energetic show. Plus, Richard Hardesty is my idol. Him and Holden Caulfield.
Jenn: Okayyyyyyyyyyy.
Jenn: What about you, madam?
Fan #2: I really love Rob. He’s sooooooo cute. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I want to have his love child.
Jenn: Wouldn’t that be hard to do, if you can’t get near him?
Fan #2: No, it wouldn’t. That’s why God invented stalkers, silly.
Jenn: There you have it, the lunatics are on the grass, and they’re getting ready for what appears to be a very electric show.
Scene 3:
[Setting: Richard and Rob take the stage to start the show with the rest of the band. Richard is on rhythm guitar, Rob is on lead guitar, Alex is on bass, Ken is the percussionist because he likes to beat on things, and Fred is on drums. W.Tiddy Bear comes on the stage to introduce the band, having to scream at the top of his lungs to have his words carry over the screams of the crowd.]
W.T.B.: Ladies and gentleman, the band behind me has the jive to survive. They’re hunks with funk. So, all you people, near and far, its time for you to enjoy some R & R.
[Music begins to play, something funky and soulful. The song has a serpentine bass line, intricate drum and percussion patterns, complex vocal harmonies, and the use of more cow bell. Consequently, the song, and some of its suggestive lyrics, begin to incite the crowd into a frenzy.]
Richard:
"Slip On Through"
(Dennis Wilson)
Lots of people with no place to go
I know a place where you can go
You've got the ticket, come on slip inside
And let my song take you for a ride
(Baby)
Come on won't you let me be
By your side from now and eternity
‘Cause I love you Baby I do and now
Can't you see
What has come over me
Oh my life is growing like a big oak tree
'Cause I love you Baby I do and now
Can't you see
Why don't you come and let me kiss and make it better
I'm not the one who came and left it later
Now you relax, let your mind go free
You won't regret the feeling you receive
(Baby)
Come on won't you let me be
By your side for now and eternity
'Cause I love you Baby I do and now
Can't you see
What has come over me
For my life is growing like a big oak tree
'Cause I love you Baby I do and now
Can't you see
My love is growin'
Your heart is knowin'
Our love is growin'
Mama, oh can't you see
What has come over me
For my li-i-ife
Can't you see
What has come over me
For my li-i-i-i-fe
© 1970 Brother Publishing Company BMI.
[As the concert progressed, the crowd noise became louder, to the point where no one in the band could hear what they were playing. Ken and Fred did their best to keep a steady beat, but unfortunately, they could only try to keep the back beat as opposed to doing something flashy for the fans. The crowd also became rowdier. At one point during the concert, two girls got past security and ran on stage, attempting to rip off Richard and Rob’s clothes. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at the situation, security was able to get to the stage and pull the two girls off before they could make Richard and Rob the only two nudists in the stadium. The show was coming to an end, but not before R & R performed one last number: The power driven “Circle Sky.”]
Circle Sky
(Michael Nesmith)
Circle Sky
Telling lies
Here I stand
At demand
And it looks we’ve made it once again
And it looks we’ve made it once again
Color sound
All around
Wing tip smile
Sees for miles
And it looks we’ve made it once again
And it looks we’ve made it once again
Its a very extraordinary scene
To those who don’t understand
But what you have seen you must believe
If you can
If you can
Hamilton
Smiling down
Telling more
Than before
And it looks we’ve made it once again
And it looks we’ve made it to the end.
© 1968 Screen Gems Publishing, Inc. (BMI)
[The concert ends, and the band goes to the dressing room which is on the other side of the field. An armored car arrives at the side of the stage, picks up the band, and carries the band to the side of the field where the football players usually come out.]
Scene 4:
[Richard, Rob, Alex, Ken, and Fred are hanging out backstage after the concert. In the background, the band can still hear the fans chanting “We want R & R. We want R & R. We want R & R.]
Ken [ecstatic]: Can you hear that? That’s absolutely amazing.
Alex: Yeah, it is. Absolutely wonderful.
Fred [walking over to his lab top computer]: Its funky. I’ll tell you that much. So much so, I’m going online to sell my funky trousers to the highest bidder on Ebay. If someone was willing to bid over $1,000 on a piece of French Toast that was half-eaten by a member of N*Sync, I can only imagine how much someone will bid on my funky trousers.
Rob: Yeah, Fred. Girls have been dying to get into your pants.
Alex: Literally.
Ken: But I thought that the half-eaten piece of French Toast came from someone from the Backstreet Boys.
Fred: I don’t know, but I do know that I could make a ton of money off of my pants.
[Fred looks over at Richard, who is sitting sullen in the corner.]
Fred: What’s wrong, Rich?
Richard: I want out.
Rob, Alex, Ken, and Fred [stunned]: What?!?!
Richard: Its not about the music anymore. While its nice being adored, I can’t even hear myself perform, and I just feel like the record company’s wind up doll. I’m tired of the scrutiny, and I’m tired of making music that cramps my artistic process. Everyone’s all around, and I want to get out.
Rob: You can’t get out. We’ve come too far. We’re celebrities now.
Alex: Yeah, look at all the perks. You can get caught smoking crack, and you have a great chance at becoming the Mayor of Washington, D.C.
Ken: I still think that bitch set him up.
Fred: Plus, if you get into any trouble, you’ll get out of it because you have the money to pay for Johnny Cochran.
Richard: I don’t want to become the Mayor of D.C., nor do I want to get into any trouble. I just want out. I want to be a private person. I want to get away. [Moves to the full length mirror, and looks at himself.] You know, I could’ve stood up there for the entire concert and do nothing, and I don’t think it would’ve mattered to those people. Its all the image. Wait a year or maybe two, we’ll be gone and someone new will take our place. Image sucks, and you’d think that you could see yourself clearer by looking in the mirror.
Rob: But you can.
Alex: Yes.
Fred: You’re a funky guy.
Richard [getting angrier]: But outside of us, no one sees me as me. They see this image of a rock star, and I despise it. [Grabs his guitar]
Ken: Dude, what are you doing?
[Richard, in front of the full-length mirror, takes his guitar and slams it into the mirror, shattering it in the process. Once all the pieces fall to the ground, Richard finds himself in the desert, by himself--or he at least thinks he’s by himself.]
Vignette #2: In Peace and War
Scene 1:
[Richard is absolutely astonished to find himself in the middle of the desert. Where is he at? How did he get there? He takes a look around, examining his surroundings until a voice from not too far away yells at him.]
Steph [swinging a metal pick]: Come on, get back to work.
Richard: Huh?
Steph: Don’t play cute with me, get back to work. This is no time for taking a break.
Richard: What? I really don’t know what you’re talking about.
Steph: Hey, Ericka, I think the heat has gotten to Rich.
Ericka [using a shovel]: Or, he’s been spending too much time thinking about your mom.
Steph: Quit talking about my mom.
Calvin: But your mom is a nice woman.
Steph: Yeah, she is.
Richard: Where am I at?
Ericka: I didn’t know Steph’s mom had this affect on you, but since you asked, we’re in Afghanistan. We’re in the Peace Corp remember, creating some indoor plumbing for some poor people here in Kabul.
[At this point, an American C-17 plane flies overhead, dropping huge quantities food and other supplies. There appears to be several Afghan people waiting for the cargo to land and, when it does, they gather around it and take it all away. In their dust, there are several people left with no supplies for themselves.]
Richard: What happened there?
Steph: Oh, that is the American supply drop. Its supposed to help provide impoverished Afghans with food and other supplies, but as you’re well aware of, the war lord and his cronies usually get the supplies and keep it for themselves. Consequently, the people who really need the supplies are left with none.
Richard: Why can’t we stop this practice?
Ericka: The heat has gotten to you. Damn it, Steph, why does your mom have to play on the minds of all the men.
Steph: Why is it my mom? How come it ain’t your mom? You’re a pretty girl Ericka, so your mom has to have some affect on the men.
Richard: You two still haven’t answered my question.
Steph: Because, if we tried to stop the war lord, we’d risk having his troops undermine our efforts here.
Ericka: As if this area isn’t unstable to begin with.
Steph: I’d watch what I’d say. You’d never know if the Top Cop is listening in to our conversation.
Ericka: Yeah, you’re right. Hopefully, the Top Cop is thinking about your mom.
Steph: Ack.
Richard: Who’s the Top Cop?
Steph: You know who we’re talking about. He’s the big A.G.
Ericka: Yep. He’s the Ace’s right hand man.
Richard: Ah.
[At this point, Steph notices some guy running through the desert sand yelling something inaudible. The closer the man gets, the clearer his words become.]
Man: Where did he go? Where did he go? Where did he go? Where did he go?
[Walking up to Steph?]
Man: Have you seen him?
Steph: Nope, I haven’t.
Richard: Who?
Man: You know who I’m talking about.
Richard: No, I don’t.
Ericka: Yes, you do. You know, him.
Steph: Yeah, him.
Richard: I don’t know him. But I know your mom.
Steph: Okay, that’s getting old. Yes, you know him. The whole world knows of him.
Ericka [whispers to Richard]: We’re talking to Ace now, so quit joking. Don’t joke about not knowing who Ace is looking for. That’ll land you into even more trouble.
Ace: Well, nobody seems to know if he’s lost or found or whatever, but if I don’t see him, I’m going to switch my attention to someone else. I have the bombs you know, so they better watch out. One false move, and you know I’ll use them. The problem with life is that sometimes people get what they deserve. Right my ladies.
[After Ace finishes his speech, three ladies appear behind him, dressed as cheerleaders and ready to cheer.]
Lady #1: Gimmie a W!
Ace and the Three ladies: W!
Lady #2: Gimmie an A!
Ace and the Three ladies: A!
Lady #3: Gimmie an R!
Ace and the Three Ladies: R!
Ace: What does that spell?
The Three Ladies: WAR!
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
Ace: Run for cover, we’re under attack.
Steph: Oh shit, we’re being ambushed.
[Ace, his three cheerleaders, Richard, Steph, and Ericka run for cover behind a large rock formation that is nearby].
Ericka: This is fucking great, Ace. All you do is chant for war, and now we’re caught in the ambush. How in the hell do you plan on getting us out of it?
Ace: Don’t you worry, I’ve got the common sense solution to all of our problems. I’ve got the bombs, baby! I’ve got the bombs.
[Ace pulls out a walky-talkie from his pocket.]
Ace [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] Bravo, bring in air support, we’re under attack. Coordinates are 354-45-678-93, over.
Bravo: Yes, sir. Air support is on the way, over.
Ace [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : There we go. The problem’s solved. All we have to do is sit and wait.
Steph [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : But there’s still a good chance that we’re going to get killed.
Richard [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Ah, this situation is all jessed up.
Ericka [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Ya think? Its about time you got your head out of Steph’s mom’s ass, and get back her to reality. We’re fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!!!
Steph [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Quit talking about my mom.
Ericka [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Your mom is screwing Richard’s mind up.
Richard [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Stop it, both of you. We’ll get out of this alive. Now, I’m not thinking about Steph’s mom.
Ericka [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Huh?
Richard [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] [to Ericka]: I was thinking about your mom. Man, she’s hot. I know where you get your looks from.
Ace [voiced raised due to machine gun fire] : Now, all three stop it, and look at the display my bombs are going to put on!
[Overhead, a squadron of F-14 and F/A 18 warplanes fly by and drop bombs onto the coordinates stipulated by Ace]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[As the F-14 and F/A-18 war planes finish their sorties, there’s a silence that comes over the battlefield. The enemy had been subdued, for now.]
Ace: Look at my bombs, they sure work beautifully! We’re going to be safe.
Steph: But we nearly died, you understand that, don’t you? We nearly died. I came here to make a difference, and I came here to do some good. However, I didn’t come here to get caught up in some war and die.
Ace: We’re in this for the cause, and the cause is just and right.
The Three Ladies: Ace, Ace, he is right/He’ll fight for this cause/With all his might!
Ericka [Providing The Three Ladies with a annoyed stare]: For a period of time, the cause is just and right, but dissent grows louder as time passes by--as the cause moves to a standstill and the goals and objectives grow even more foggy.
[After Ericka finishes her sentence, one gunshot is fired from the enemy position. Richard, Steph, Ericka, Ace, and The Three Ladies all jump down for cover. Unfortunately, as Ericka jumped down for cover, she accidentally hit her head on one of the rocks.]
Steph: Ericka!!
Richard: Oh my God, Ericka!!
[The camera focuses on Ericka, zooming in closer to her head. Once the shot gets as far as it can go, ripples run through the screen, marking the end of the second vignette and the beginning of the third vignette.]
Vignette #3: Get Inside Ericka’s Head
Scene 1:
[Most of the gang are hanging out at Second Cup, a coffee house. Its amateur night, as everyone has an opportunity to display their talent to the crowd. The camera focuses on Jenn and Ken, who are waiting for the competition to begin. Both are reading the newspaper.]
Jenn: Hmmm…Allied forces ambushed in Afghanistan today. Peace Corp. volunteers caught in the middle of it.
Ken [wryly]: It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it. Ah, look here, missing rock star is still missing.
Alex: Has anyone seen Richard, lately?
Steph: I haven’t. He has to be around here somewhere.
[Camera cuts to Richard in the Afghan desert, digging ditches while Ericka rests.]
[The host of the amateur night walks up to the stage.]
Rob: Shhhh, its about ready to begin.
Kellye: Yeah, I can’t wait to here what these amateurs have to offer.
Steph: It should be cool.
Fred: Or should you say, funky?
Steph: Yes, Fred, funky.
Alex: Shhhh, the host is on the stage.
Host: Welcome, ladies and gentleman. We have a great amateur night with wonderful talent, not to mention a very special guest. Overall, the winner will win [points to the trophy] this beautiful trophy once touched by Duncan Sheik for the “On A High” video. So, let’s begin.
[Excerpts from the first five contestants appear on the screen, as out-of-key singers, uncoordinated jugglers, a woman who looks like a man, a pianist, and a polka player.]
Jenn: God, these people were pathetic. Tiddy Bear is next, so I can only imagine what kind of crap he’s going to spew to us.
Steph: Tiddy Bear is hilarious, and I love how he rhymes.
Ken: Its not so bad, being a pimp has its perks.
Fred: Ha! You said, “perks.”
Alex: Tiddy Bear is always “up” with his perks.
[Tiddy Bear is wearing his traditional 70’s pimp gear, which consists of a fur coat, a hat with a feather in it, rings on all fingers, and a pair of sunglasses.]
Tiddy Bear: For you, I have some poetry that I wrote while under a tree. Its about an evening this past weekend with a few hot looking lady friends. Cue the muzac, my good friend Jack.
[Zack turns on the CD player, which plays the porn song “Stiffed.”]
Tiddy Bear:
“A Ménage Tra for Moi”
I was sitting at home one evening
Looking around, judging my scene.
When there was a knock on the door,
I came to find a red-headed whore.
“Hey Shiny,” I called about,
“Sit outside and be my look out.”
Shiny came, he knew my game.
“I’m going to take her in,”
I exclaimed as I looked at my dame.
I took her inside, I started a fire,
And I grabbed a pair of pliers
To exacerbate my kinky desires.
We kissed, and oh we embraced,
But I didn’t want to cum on her face.
Then, out of nowhere, a knock on the door.
Enter in my blonde-headed whore.
I leaped up, ran out, and saw Shiny,
Drunk on a bunch of Heinies.
“Now,” I said, “I can explain.”
She said, “Good, don’t make it lame,
Or I’ll shoot out your brains
Right after I shoot out mine.”
It was a sign that she went insane,
But I came to in the nick of time.
“Listen baby, don’t make a sound,
There’s enough of me to go around.”
So, we all went down to the floor.
Just me and my two lusty whores.
The End, my Friends.
[Round of Applause]
Jenn [Looks at Ken]: Oh my God, I feel horny.
Ken: Um, let me go get a fork!
Jenn: Yeah, you do that, and then you can tell me when I’m done.
Alex: My, its hot in here.
Steph [with a twinkle in her eyes]: Yes, Alex, I think we should do something about it.
Kellye: What‘s that?
Fred: Talk about the state of the global economy right now.
Kellye: Now, that’s simple. Since the September 11th attacks on the United States, the global economy now faces new burdens and pitfalls, especially the economies of developing countries. The recession that has hit the United States is also hitting the economies of other nations as well, so its---
Fred: Um, yeah, okay, whatever you say.
[Jenn, Ken, Rob, Steph, and Fred all look at Kellye with a confused look on their faces.]
Kellye: My, all the things you learn by watching Nick Jr.. Yay!!
Rob [shaking his head]: Here comes the host!
Host: Now, without further ado, I will announce the winner of tonight’s amateur contest. The winner is. . .Tiddy Bear!
[Loud round of applause].
Tiddy Bear: Thank you, oh thank you--
[Host pushes Tiddy Bear off of the stage before he could finish.]
Host: And now, I have a special treat for everyone here. A couple of months ago, when planning for this amateur night, I had the opportunity to book a wonderful young lady for this competition. She was trying out for this televised competition in a valiant attempt to become a pop star. Well, her valiant attempt proved successful, but more importantly, she’s here with us tonight to perform an intimate rendition of her new hit song, “Moment Like This.” I introduce to all of you, Kelly Clarkson.
Audience: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Jenn: You suck.
Steph: Your mom sucks.
Ken: The voting was rigged.
K.C. [miffed]: How would you know?
Rob: The National Enquirer said so.
Fred: It must be nice to get notoriety with television exposure and a good financial push.
K.C.: I got here on my own, thank you very much.
Alex: You rode Simon to where you wanted to go.
K.C. [verging on tears]: I really want to perform for you, but all of you are being really mean to me.
Jenn: That’s because artists with merit are constantly being snubbed because of musical lightweights like yourself.
Alex: Jenn, that sounded like something Richard would say.
Jenn: Yeah, he’s said that a few times before.
Steph: Where is he?
Rob: I don’t know.
K.C.: I want to perform. I do. I do.
Kellye: Its okay. I love you.
K.C.: You do?
Kellye: Yes, I love you like I love everybody. You can perform. Here, take this sheet and read it.
K.C.: Thank you. You’re so kind.
Kellye: I do my best.
[Kelly Clarkson goes up on stage with the piece of paper Kellye gave her, and Kelly begins to read it.]
“Movie Theme”
(A Parody of the “Ditty Diego--War Chant”)
(Jack Nicholson/Robert Rafelson)
(Parody Lyrics by Richard Hardesty)
Hi, hi my name is Kelly
You know I love to please.
A manufactured image
With no philosophies.
I hope you like this story
Although there isn't one
That is to say, there's many
That way there is more fun.
You told me you like action
And games of many kinds
You like to dance, I like to sing
So let's all lose our minds.
I know it doesn't matter
'Cause what you came to see
Is what I'd love to give you
And give it one, two, three.
But it may come three, two, one, two
Or jump from nine to five
And when you see the end in sight
The beginning may arrive.
For those who look for meanings
In form as they do fact
I might tell you one thing
But I'd only take it back.
Not back like in a box-back
Not back like in a race
Not back so we can keep it
But back in time and space.
You say I’m manufactured
To that you all agree
So make your choice
And I'll rejoice
In never being free.
Hi, Hi my name is Kelly
I’ve said it all before.
The money’s in, I’m made of tin
I’m here to give you more.
The money’s in, I’m made of tin.
I’m here to give you---
© 1968 Screen Gems Publishing, Inc. (BMI)
[Out of nowhere, this older gentleman with graying hair, named Turnbuckle, stands up and interrupts Kelly during her performance.]
Turnbuckle: WAIT!!! Everyone here should be ashamed of themselves.
Ken: Why?
Turnbuckle: Look at what happened, almost everyone here cheered on that repugnant pimp and his story of consequence free, pre-marital lust with two women. Yet, when Kelly, this beautiful young woman came on stage to sing a beautiful and pure love song, you give her that satirical piece of crap.
Steph: I don’t personally know what you’re getting at.
Turnbuckle: Look at what’s going on around us, we’ve degenerated into a society that has turned its back on our moral conscience. Look around [picks up a remote control from the counter] at what’s going on today. [Turns on television.]
[Camera focuses on the television.]
Martha Stewart: Insider trading, it’s a good thing.
[Turnbuckle changes the channel.]
Randy Moss: Hey, I was holding all that marijuana for a friend of mine. I swear, it wasn’t mine, honest.
[Turnbuckle changes the channel.]
News Reporter: Police are still looking for a sniper who has shot and killed seven people in seven days in Maryland, D.C., and Virginia.
[Turnbuckle changes the channel.]
Porn Star: Cum watch this “jack-in-the-box” disappear, tonight on the Spice Channel.
[Turnbuckle changes the channel.]
Tinky Winky: Ha ha ha.
Turnbuckle: Why can’t we return to classic times, back when Ward went to the office and June stayed home to cook, clean, and take care of the children? Where did our morals and common decency go? I’ll tell you where. They went with those liberals, feminists, and homosexuals…all straight to hell.
Ken: Now, just wait a minute, those remarks are uncalled for.
Turnbuckle: Of course, what am I thinking, I’m in America, Jr., also known as [begins to yell] CANADA!!!
Jenn: That’s it, I’ve had enough of this man’s bull shit. You know, speech is free, and everyone has a right to their own opinion. However, I’m sick and fucking tired of you ignorant bastards putting down Canada. I love Canada. I’m a Canadian, and I get fucking pissed off at people who think Canada is some spineless, dick whipped bitch, that follows the United States all the time.
Turnbuckle: Well it is, isn’t it?
Jenn [seeing red]: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
[Jenn charges up to Turnbuckle and gives him a right cross to the cheek, dropping him to
the floor and knocking him unconscious. Ken, Steph, Rob, Kellye, Alex, and Fred all
looked stunned.]
Steph: Go Jenn!
Alex: Yeah, remind me to never piss Jenn off ever again.
Kellye: I love you, Jenn.
Fred: I’ll never say a bad word about you ever again.
Alex: Yeah, on that note, I’m going to walk outside for a bit.
[Alex goes to the door and walks outside, a beautiful evening greets him.]
Vignette #4: Living the Space Boy’s Dream
Scene 1:
[As he’s walking outside, Alex notices how beautiful the nighttime sky is, with the moon and the stars. He is greeted by Kristine, a young woman who loves astronomy and astrophysics.]
Alex: Wow, the stars are out tonight, and the moon is shining bright. It sure is beautiful.
Kristine: Yes, it is. Its clear enough tonight that you can see Orion.
Alex: Do you like astronomy?
Kristine: I love astronomy.
Alex: I do to. Its absolutely amazing.
Kristine: I can talk about astronomy for hours on end. My family and friends literally have to shut me up.
Alex: You have a lot to say.
Kristine: Yes, I do.
Alex: Will I have to shut you up?
Kristine: Not if I have to shut you up first.
Alex: A smart ass are you?
Kristine: Yes, and its not bad looking either.
Alex: What, your ass?
Kristine: Yes, my ass.
Alex: You’re right, you have a nice looking ass.
Kristine: Getting fresh, are we?
Alex: Yep, and I have a re-sealable pouch to lock in the freshness.
Kristine: Best know as your zipper.
Alex: You know how that goes.
Kristine: It goes down, but anyway, do you have any aspirations with astronomy?
Alex: I’d love to become an astronaut.
Kristine: That’s a great goal. You know, NASA always needs another seven astronauts. One day, you might be one of their astronauts.
Alex: Yes, I’ve been preparing to become an astronaut since I was a young child. I always excelled in math and the sciences; more importantly, I’ve been consumed with becoming an astronaut. I dream about it all the time.
[Alex begins to look up at the nighttime sky, and he begins to dream about becoming an astronaut. In his dream, Alex finds himself up in a NASA space shuttle, doing a space walk to fix cables on both the American and Russian satellites. He smiles when he has completed his mission, and he says:
“Houston, mission accomplished. The cables have been fixed.”
Houston responds with a loud ovation and says ecstatically, “Thank you, Alex. You’ve just saved Western Civilization. And now, you can come back home. You can come back…. You can come back…. You can come back….]
Kristine: You can come back now, Alex.
Alex: Oh, sorry. It was a nice daydream.
Kristine: Of what?
Alex: Being a space hero, just like Buck Rogers.
Kristine: Another time and another place, my friend.
Alex: You wanna go back to my place?
Kristine: Sure, why not? Be advised my young friend, I don’t do anything on the first date.
Scene 2:
[Alex and Kristine go back to Alex’s apartment, only to find Richard sitting on the couch in the living room.]
Richard: Hey, hey, hey.
Alex: What in the hell are you doing here?
Richard: I’m hiding out, watching a Match Game re-run on the Game Show Network.
[Richard Dawson’s voice can be heard from the television speaker, asking Loretta Swift from M*A*S*H, “Do you have any nude photos of yourself?” Swift says, “No!” and Dawson replies, doing a Paul Lynde impression, “Would you like to buy some, then?”]
Kristine [giggles]: Hi, I’m Kristine.
Richard [kissing Kristine’s hand]: Charmed, I’m Richard.
Alex: Okay, enough of the formalities.
Richard: Yes, sorry. Technically, I wanted to tell you about a conversation I had with my cousin. She works with NASA, and she says that she can get you into an intensive astronaut training program next year.
Kristine: That’s wonderful news.
Alex: Yes, it is. I’m going to become an astronaut after all.
Kristine: Yes, you are. I’m so proud of you.
Richard: Well, I should go and let you two “celebrate” the big news.
Kristine: You can join us.
Richard: No thanks, I’m not into that kinky stuff unless its with two girls.
Alex: No, not sex, bro. Is sex always on your mind? Kristine and I were just going to spend a quiet evening here. If you want to join us, you can.
Richard: Well, since you put it to me that way, I think I can stay. I hear there’s an Andy Griffith marathon on T.V. Land, honoring forty-two years of “The Andy Griffith Show.”
Kristine: Cool, I loved Andy Griffith in “Matlock.”
Richard: Right on.
[Richard and Kristine start humming the “Matlock” theme.]
Alex: You two will have to fill me in on this one.
Richard: We will.
[Alex, Kristine, and Richard start watching the Andy Griffith marathon. At that point, the camera focuses in on the television set, getting so close that the image on the television becomes distorted. Cut to the fifth vignette.]
Vignette #5: The Philosophy of Perception
[A college professor talks to his class about the philosophy of perception.]
Professor: Perception finds itself between the philosophy of the mind and epistemology. With philosophy of the mind, there is a theory that attempts to unify philosophical accounts of psychological phenomena such as desire, feeling, belief, awareness, understanding, and action. Epistemology provides the needed theory of justification and knowledge. Perception is functionally subordinate to action; it prompts action, and controls its output. Thus, its central feature is the generation of beliefs about the world, about states of the perceiving organism, and about the latter's relation to the world. At the same time, perceptual states have a qualitative complexity that does not reduce to this functional role. In some cases, as happens for colors, the properties hinted at by perceptual content do not quite match properties in the environment; accordingly, the mind is here supposed to contribute some representative features independently of the represented world. Where are these features, and representations in general, located? What is their function? And do we perceive the external world directly, or mediately, in virtue of the perception of some representation? What guarantee do we have as to the reliability of our perceptual beliefs? Should you ask me if I have the answers? You can, but maybe there are no answers at all, or should I say, answers that would satisfy all of you.
Kellye: So, you are saying that you don’t have the answers?
Professor: For abstract ideas, my answers may not be your answers.
Ken: Will I need to know that for the test?
Professor: Yes, you should know it all, and know nothing.
Steph: I actually read that on the back of a cereal box.
Jenn: I heard that from your mom.
Steph: Stop talking about my mom.
Richard: Shhhhh, I’m trying to listen.
Richard [to professor]: Its like Johari’s Magical Mirror. We don’t really see ourselves by looking in a mirror, since we only view physical characteristics. Instead, we only see ourselves when we’re with other people and witness events that take place in our environment. That’s when we can express our ideas and bring them in context with the people and the events of our lives.
Professor: Exactly, but if you look around, you’ll find there are a lot of people who have yet to shape a belief system designed to provide them with an identity. They are constantly looking at what others are saying and following their examples without knowing what they’re doing or realizing that their actions have consequences on the environment that surrounds them. The trouble of your time, young one, is that there are people who don’t know what they want, and more specifically, they don’t know who they are.
Fred: I know who I am. I am Fred, and I am Funky.
Ken: I’m Ken, its nice to meet you.
Jenn: Oh, my, I’m Jenn.
Kellye: I’m Kellye, and I’m a beautiful princess.
Alex: Yes, you are.
Steph: I’m Steph. [Looks to Richard] Hey, what about you? Who are you?
Richard [stares blankly at the chalk board in front of them.]
Jenn [looks at Richard]: Yeah, who are you?
Alex [looks at Richard]: I really want to know.
Fred [looks at Richard]: Who are you?
Kellye [looks at Richard]: Who, who, who, who?
Ken [looks at Richard]: Tommy, can you see me? Can you hear me? Tommy! Tommy!
Fred [to Jenn]: I always thought his name was Richard.
Entire Class: See me, hear me, touch me, feel me.
[Richard stands up and walks out of the classroom. Jenn, Ken, Kellye, Steph, Alex, and Fred follow him out the door. When Richard walks through the door, the gang finds themselves in a room filled with mirrors. Each time they move, the reflection in the mirror changes, much like a kaleidoscope. They’re trapped.]
Jenn: This is nice. How in the hell do we get out?
Ken: I don’t know.
Fred: Look at what you’ve got us into, Richard. Thanks a lot.
Richard: Don’t look at me, I was only trying to get out of the classroom.
Steph: Now, we’re inside a room full of mirrors.
Alex [bumping into a mirror]: Ouch.
Kellye [looking into the mirror]: Darn, I look good. Yay!
Jenn: Yeah, all you need now is to have your Prince Charming take you away.
[Abruptly, the room of mirrors starts to move away. The scene changes to the world outside of the room of mirrors, which is nothing more than a big box. On the outside, the room of mirrors is being pulled away on a flat bed truck and, just when its almost out of view, the words “The End” shows up on the screen. The camera finally cuts to Jenn, Steph, Richard, Alex, Fred, and Kellye outside the movie theater.]
Final Scene:
Kellye: That was one weird movie. I don’t think I got it, or I’ll ever get it.
Richard: Yeah, that movie was out there.
Steph: I will say that its not a movie for a turned on audience because, honestly, I’m not horny right now. I thought this movie would turn me on and enable me to score, but it didn’t. While I thought the movie was good, I just wanted something to turn me on to the point where I could get laid!
Alex: Well, the ending threw me off. How come they never got out of the room of mirrors?
Fred: I don’t know to be truthful.
Jenn: They’re trapped inside that room full of mirrors because, in reality, they’re trapped inside their own beliefs and how those beliefs shape their world. In the end, does everyone wish to escape celebrity, promote war, and support bigotry? No, but the point here is that, as people, we’re much a product of our views, as our views are much a product of who we are and where we came from. Like anything else, its all what you make of it.
Alex: Yeah, Jenn thinks she knows it all.
Jenn: I don’t think. I know I know it all.
Steph: That’s why you’re just Jenn.
Jenn: Damn straight.
The End
[This message has been edited by BryterLayter77 (edited October 11, 2002).]
The Duncan Sheik Message Board
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posted October 07, 2002 05:49 PM
posted October 07, 2002 06:57 PM
posted October 10, 2002 10:07 PM
posted October 11, 2002 01:30 AM
Nice job.
