posted August 08, 2002 01:39 AM               

The credits open with a view of an apartment building from a handheld camera and then a view from inside one of the apartments, looking down on the city. A view down a hall in the building, one by one, the doors open and a head sticks out from each one, all characters wave. The camera reverses to show the lead character of the show, Jenn. "Just Jenn" appears on the screen as Jenn's image fades.

The show opens with Jenn talking on the phone to an unknown person. There's a knock on the door and still talking, she opens it and Richard and Steph walk in. They proceed to sit on the couch and watch as Jenn paces back and forth listening to whatever the person on the phone is saying.
Richard: So who do you bet it is this time?
Steph: I don't know. Maybe that actor fellow she went out with the other night. What was his name?
Richard: Ben something, wasn't it? That taller dude who was in Armageddon.
Steph: No, he was the week before. This one was Tom something.

Jenn: I don't think it's working out. Sorry. Have a good day. (she hangs up the phone and looks at Richard and Steph) It's just difficult when people don't get the hint. It's like you don't want to be mean, but at the same time you don't really care and want them to get the hint and bug off.

Steph: Yes. I have the same problem.
Richard: I never have that problem. I can be quite blunt.
Jenn: Good for you. You should really give us a lesson in being blunt one day.
Richard: I'll definantly think about that. So what was wrong with this dude.
Jenn: Well, for one thing, he wore sandals on our date.
Steph: What's wrong with sandals?
Jenn: The sandals weren't the problem, it was his feet that bothered me. They were just...well, ugly. After one look, I could hardly carry on a conversation without thinking about his hideous feet. He was in serious need of a pedicure.
Richard: Oh yes. Feet have always been the way my relationships have been made or broken.
Steph: Well, I guess every man can't be Garth Brooks.
Jenn: True, but I think you could at least take the time to scrub the dirt off your feet so your toenails don't look so black like they are about to fall off. Anyway, what's new with you two?
Steph: Nothing.
Richard: Not much.
Jenn: Sounds terribly exciting.
Steph: Well, are we going to see a new movie tonight?
Jenn: Oh, I almost forgot. Yes. That one about whales. Looks like a bunch of crap.
Richard: Well, couldn't be much worse than that one about dolphins.
Jenn: I think it could be. It's got the same director. He probably substituted whales for dolphins and recycled the script.
Steph: I can hardly contain my excitement.
Jenn: Well, I need your support guys. Otherwise I'll be tempted to fall asleep or run out before the opening credits finish, which ever comes first.
Richard: Who allows crap like "Dolphin Fervor" to even get in the door of a movie exec's office?
Jenn: Same people who think "American Beauty" was a masterpiece, I guess.
Steph: Now you know I liked it.
Jenn: And I'll forgive your faults since you are my friend.
Steph: Thanks.

Scene two

A guy is sitting outside in the hallway playing guitar as Jenn, Steph, and Richard walk out of Jenn's apartment.

Jenn: How's the song going, Rob?
Rob: Oh, not too bad. I am having a little trouble finding a good next chord though.
Richard: How close are you to the end of the song?
Rob: Oh, still on the first verse.
Steph: Well...Good luck with that.
Rob: Thanks. Where are you all off to?
Jenn: The screening of "The Whale Tale".
Rob: Isn't that by the director of "Dolphin Fervor"?
Richard: Sure is.
Rob: I thought that was quite interesting, didn't you?
Jenn: Um...yeah. See you later, Rob. Good luck with that second chord.
(Rob goes back to playing his first chord over and over again.)
(in the elevator)
Steph: I worry about him sometimes.
Jenn: I do too.
Richard: Yeah, I mean how is he ever going to write a hit song if he can't figure out more than one chord for a song. The lyrics are there, but the songs put me to sleep with the monotonous tune.
Steph: Maybe he'll figure it out some day.
Jenn: We can always hope, but we should remain realistic.
Richard: At least he is a nice guy.
Steph: We always seem to come back to that comment.

Scene three

Outside the building the three find another neighbor trying to open his car door.
Jenn: What's up, Fred? New car, isn't that?
Fred: Yeah, state of the art. The only problem is, it doesn't have keys, it's supposed to be all keyless and identify you by fingerprint scan.
Steph: Cool, so what's the problem?
Fred: It doesn't recognize me. It keeps telling me that it's not my car.
Richard: They most have spoiled it at the dealership. It wants to go back.
Fred: The only thing I can think is maybe that paper cut I had when I first got the car screwed up the identification process.
Steph: Better go slit your finger.
Fred: I always hated paper cuts, but this is like pouring lemon on the wound.
Jenn: Well, good luck with that.
Fred: Thanks. You all have a good night.

Scene four

Following the movie

Jenn: I feel so drained.
Steph: Catatonic almost.
Richard: Please.
Jenn: What?
Richard: My brain isn't functioning properly. I am having trouble comprehending your conversation.
Jenn: Our conversation was a total of six words.
Richard: That director should be shot.
Jenn: Can I quote you on that?
Richard: Don't you always?
Steph: I didn't think the director could get worse after "Dolphins"....I think I was wrong.
Jenn: Definantly worse.
Richard: Crap.
Steph: I agree with you there.
Richard: Pure crap.
Steph: No, I think it was more muddled crap. I'm still not sure what the purpose was.
Jenn: How am I supposed to write a 300 word review if I don't even know what the movie was about?
Steph: I don't know. I sure wouldn't want your job right now.
Richard: Ditto.
Jenn: I hope the new editor didn't like "Dolphins".
Steph: Why is that?
Jenn: Because then they shouldn't mind if I trash this movie too.
Steph: Considering it is basically the same movie, that is a good theory.
Richard: But this one was worse. So much worse.
Steph: Why should they even mind if you trash a movie or not? You are a reviewer, your job is to review the movie and tell what you think, right?
Jenn: Well, in a perfect world, that would be the job of a reviewer, but the last editor got yelled at a few times when I said things about certain movie theatres playing certain horrible movies on their screens.
Richard: Yeah, didn't that one theatre shut down because you noticed a trend in them showing horrible movies and charging a whole lot more than the other theatres?
Jenn: Well, I don't want to take all the credit, but that's what they seemed to think.
Steph: I did think it was a little obscene to charge twelve bucks to see that Mariah Carey movie.
Jenn: Didn't I tell you never to mention that movie in my presence? It gives me nightmares just thinking about it.
Steph: Sorry.
Richard: So what are you going to do about the review?
Jenn: Well, it doesn't run for a few days. The movie doesn't open until Friday, if the editor doesn't like my review, she can always get a better one before that...Though I doubt anyone will have good things to say about that sorry excuse for the $12 million production tab.

Scene Five

The next morning at Jenn's work, she is sitting at her desk playing solitaire on her computer when her phone rings. It's the new entertainment editor, Denise Jobs.

Jenn: Oh hi, Denise. How are you?
Denise: Fine, thanks. Could you possibly come down to my office for a few minutes? I'd like to discuss your review.
Jenn: Oh, well, you know, Denise, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Maybe after lunch I can squeeze you in.
Denise: Jenn, you do know that I'm right next to your desk and I can see the only thing of importance that you are up to is playing solitaire?
Jenn: Oh. I'll be right over.
(In Denise's office)
Denise: Have a seat, Jenn.
Jenn: Before you start ripping my review, let me just say that I love how you have decorated your office.
Denise: Jenn, I just wanted to let you know I have always admired your reviews. They are so honest, it almost seems like you want to save everyone from seeing the same horrible movies that you have. When I was a reviewer, I tended to over look the bad parts about the movie and just look for the good points.
Jenn: You mean I don't have to edit for content?
Denise: Do you do that often?
Jenn: Every week for every year I've been here.
Denise: Well, you might as well stop expecting it.
Jenn: Too bad, I had already started to revise.
Denise: I think the review is fine the way it is. Very honest and open. I haven't seen the movie yet, and don't intend to. I have not liked a movie by this director yet, and he writes his own screenplays, so there's really no hope that his movies will improve.
Jenn: That's a very good observation
Denise: Thank you.
Jenn: I think I'm going to like having you as the editor.

Closing thoughts. At this point in the show, Jenn reflects on the events of the show.

This, I have learned: Rob has yet to progress to a new chord in yet another new song. The new editor is going to be much better than the last, plus, she doesn't seem to be a psychopath like the last one. She even likes my reviews, always a pleasant surprise, since when people find out who I am, I often get an earful about how wrong I am about a movie. But all always rise above the good and the bad. After all, I am just Jenn.

posted August 08, 2002 10:28 AM               

Richard

posted August 08, 2002 03:53 PM               

Episode 2

Credits End and screen goes to black, loud music can be heard in the blackness as the picture clears Jenn is dancing on the couch of her living room. A loud banging on the wall can be heard over the music.

Richard: Jenn turn it down, I am working

Jenn continues dancing oblivious to Richard’s screams

The front door of Jenn’s apartment flings open and Richard standing in the open doorway.

Richard: Jenn! Jenn! Jennifer!
Jenn: Oh hey Rich
Richard: Jenn turn it down NOW!

Jenn dances over to the stereo singing “On a High”, she turns off the music

Jenn: Better?
Richard: What were you doing?
Jenn: Working
Richard: Last time I checked you review movies, not music
Jenn: I was clearing my head, I could not write one more mind numbing sentence about the crud Hollywood puts out
Richard: Why do you do it if you hate movies so much?
Jenn: I see it as a public service, someone has to tell people how to think, imagine if I let people think for themselves, chaos I tell you pure chaos.
Richard: You don’t think much of humans eh, super alien goddess from Mars?
Jenn: It hurts my brain to think of them.

There is a knock on the door.

Jenn: Enter
Richard: At your own risk!
Steph opens the door
Richard: Watch out Steph she is in one of her superior intelligence, supreme being moods
Steph: Jenn, never, I do not believe it
Jenn: It is not superior intelligence and I am not a supreme being, I am just smarter than everyone else (Jenn laughs)
Steph: So what is the plan for tonight?
Jenn: I am just hanging, I leave for a junket tomorrow
Richard: Well if my annoying neighbor keeps the music down, I am working
Steph: Come on guys it is Friday night, party night and I do not have a date
Jenn: I could hook you up
Steph: With who?
Jenn: Well I don’t know, Matt is out of town, Ben is with him
Richard: That’s a shock, what is up with those two?
Jenn: It is called friendship, ever heard of it? Perhaps if you got your nose out of a book sometime
Richard: My nose would be out of a book, if once in awhile I could actually focus on what I was reading over the noise in here.
Jenn: You want to talk noise; did you hear me complain about the screaming woman you were entertaining two days ago? I though you were killing someone.
Richard: Pure Pleasure baby
Jenn: Someone call a doctor, Rich is having a delusional moment
Steph: Come on guys, lets go out
Jenn: I am not seeing a movie
Richard: Lets go to Sam’s
Jenn: Hello, this is not an episode of Seinfeld and I not sitting in a dinner all night

Rob sticks his head in the door

Rob: If it was an episode of Seinfeld you freaks would actually be funny
Steph: How goes the song, Rob?
Rob: You know, well, it is okay I guess. I better get back to it
Jenn: What was that?
Richard: It was Rob
Jenn: I am not blind, I know that
Richard: Then what are you asking for?
Steph: I am not going anywhere if you two are going to bicker all night
Jenn: We won’t, right Dicky-boy?
Richard: What ever you say Jenny-girl.
Steph: Lets rent ‘Glitter’
Jenn: Oh sorry my TV is broke
Richard: For a broken TV it works pretty well
Jenn: It will be broken if we put Glitter on
Steph: Oh Jenn is going to do an Elvis
Jenn: You got it! Lets go if we are going to go

Scene 2

Outside the apartment complex. Jenn, Rich and Steph are standing on the sidewalk, still unsure of where to go

Jenn: Steph you are the one that wanted to go out, decide now or I am going back inside
Steph: High Note?
Jenn: Fine with me
Richard: Me too

Kellye walks towards the threesome standing on the sidewalk

Jenn: Hey Kell Wanna come with us?
Kellye: Where are you going?
Steph: High Note
Kellye: No, it is too smoky and dirty and people drink
Jenn: Oh no, not drinking, I did not know people drink there, I can not go either

Jenn sits on the curb

Fred: Why is Jenn on the curb? It is not trash day.
Jenn: That was very unfunky Fred. Hey do you want to come to High Note?
Fred: Got a date, got a date
Jenn: That is why you have on your funk pants, eh? Hey someone give me their cell phone
Richard: Is this the same woman that wrote the entire article about her hate for all things cellular?
Jenn: I hate them in the car, in restaurants and in movie theatres, I am on the sidewalk standing, therefore they are okay.
Steph: Here, who you calling?
Jenn: My new boss Denise, ya’ll will love her

Jenn: Hey Denise it is Jenn. Some friends and I are heading over to High Note, want to come? – Okay – okay – yeah that sounds good, see ya there.

Jenn: Denise is going to met us there.

Kellye and Fred leave the group and Jenn hails a cab

Scene 3 – Outside the High Note, having just gotten out of the cab

Jenn: It is going to be one of those night I can feel it.
Steph: Come on Jenn, he was a sexy one
Jenn: And his cab smelt like rotting cheese. Why do the freaks and weirdoes always like me?
Steph: We like you
Jenn: See what I mean. Guys if one more freak comes on to me tonight I will go windmill on their ass.
Richard: Hey sexy baby! (Richard puts his arm around Jenn and licks her face)
Jenn: You just licked me!
Richard: Just your face, given the chance…
Steph covers her ears and sings
Steph: I do not want to know!
Jenn: Oh hey there is Denise. Denise, Steph, Richard. Steph, Richard, Denise.
Richard: Hey sexy baby
Jenn: She is married Rich and my boss, and besides does that line ever work?
Richard: Nope, and it is really just a social experiment, I like to see if cheese ever does work
Steph: Well the stench of cheese was not helping that cabbie

Scene 4 – Inside the High Note – Immediately a man that comes to Jenn’s breasts height wise comes over.
Guy: Hey sexy baby!
Jenn: Goodbye!
Richard: He used my line
Jenn: But he did not lick me
Richard: True and it is really all about the lick.
Jenn: Yeah cause that got you far
Denise: There is a table
Jenn: Cool. Did we lose Steph already?
Denise: Oh Jenn, there is J.Lo
Jenn: Hide me, I totally dissed her last movie
Richard: The one with booby shots, how could you?
Jenn: Well I was not buying it as a supposed a deep moving exploration of the bonds of sisterhood, and the breasts shots just made no sense
Richard: Because it was a chick flick, and they tried to make it appeal to men

Another man approaches Jenn

Guy2: I am not Fred Flintstone but I could sure make your bed rock
Jenn: B for originality, C for cheese
Denise: Oh my, seriously I think we could make a movie based on those bad pick up lines
Richard: And Jenn would still give it half a star
Jenn: I do not give stars, have you never read my column? Keep in mind, my boss is sitting here
Denise: I am not your boss tonight
Richard: And why would I read it? I see the movies with you and get to listen to you bitch the entire movie.
Jenn: Fine then, no more press peaks for you

Steph walks over to the table

Steph: Oh is she threatening Rich again?
Denise: Apparently. You two are such a fun couple.
Richard and Jenn: COUPLE?!
Jenn: We are neighbors
Denise: Must be a friendly neighborhood.

Scene 5 – In cab on the way home

Steph: I like Denise
Jenn: How would you know I swear you were with us like 5 minutes, you spent a lot of time with that man at the bar
Steph: His name was Scott
Jenn: Stephanie and Scott, sitting in a tree
Richard: Steph is right you know, Denise is nice.
Jenn: Yep it is good to get a good boss
Richard: So when you leave tomorrow?
Jenn: 8 am
Richard: Well see you next week.
Jenn: I have an idea guys, come with me, plane tickets are on me.
Steph: Sweet

Closing thoughts:

posted August 12, 2002 11:55 AM               

I guess its okay, though, if its in the name of comedy. Hopefully, I'll be able to contribute something later this week. Something that's able to live up to the standards of the previous two episodes. Boy, I have my work cut out for me.

posted August 17, 2002 12:50 PM               

By the way, I was able to look at the photos you sent me, finally! I knew it took me close to forever, but I did look at them. Personally, I really loved those scenic shots you took of the mountain. The photos remind me of trips I would take to Middleburg, VA with my father and cousin, and I would get to see the Blue Ridge Mountains. You're a great photographer!

Richard

posted August 17, 2002 08:02 PM               

Thanks and good to know you like the pics

posted August 24, 2002 09:38 PM               

Scene 1:

[Jenn, Steph, and Richard are returning from a morning run to Altitude bakery, one of Toronto's better known bakeries located at 1346 Queen Street East. As the gang returns to their apartments at Toronto Towers, they smell something good coming from Rob's apartment.]

Jenn: Holy shite, guys, I can't believe Altitude had my chocolate eclaires. I love them so much. If they didn't have them, I was going to spaz.

Steph: Thank God they had them, the last thing I want to see is you spazing out, Jenn.

Jenn: Oh pipe down, Steph. I'm never that bad. I'm always the beacon of manners.

Richard: Whatever you say, Sparky.

Jenn [turning red]: Don't get me started.

Steph: What smells so good?

Jenn: I don't know. Richard, did you get blueberry muffins?

Richard: No, I didn't, but it does smell good.

Steph: I think its coming from Rob's apartment.

[At that moment, the guitar that usually plays inside Rob's apartment; you know, the one that usually only plays one chord. It stops playing. Rob opens his door.]

Rob: Hey guys, what's going on?

Jenn: Hi Rob, nothing much. We're just returning from Altitude. Do you know what smells so good?

Rob: Does it smell like blueberries?

Steph: Yes.

Rob: That's my protein drink. I usually drink a few a day in order to make my body look good enough to appeal the record executives.

Jenn: Does it taste as good as it smells?

Rob: No, it tastes like ass.

Steph: How would you know what ass tastes like?

Rob [blushes]

Richard: So, its true. You've had more ass than a toilet seat.

Rob: Now, wouldn't you like to know how my weekends go.

Richard: I know how your weekends go. You just sit around and play that one chord, over and over. But we love you anyway.

Steph: You're a nice guy.

Rob: So, I'm told, over and over again.

Jenn: It comes up often.

[At this point, someone else emerges from Rob's apartment. His name is W. Tiddy Bear, a pimp and a friend of Rob's. Tiddy Bear is staying with Rob until he can find a place in the Toronto area. However, with the sunglasses, fur coat, and the hat with the feather in it, Tiddy Bear is a throwback to the 1970s.]

Steph: Oh my, who are you?

W.T.B.: I'm W. Tiddy Bear, but you can call me Tiddy Bear. I'm the pimp that's never limp, a lover extraordinaire.

Jenn: Oye, I think I've died and gone to 70s hell.

Steph: That's cool how that rhymes.

W.T.B.: I rhyme all the time. The ladies, they think that's fine.

Richard [interrupts]: That last part didn't rhyme.

W.T.B.: If you'd have the paitience, to let me finish my sentence, you would have heard me say, "The ladies, the think that's fine. So, they dine with me and sixty-nine with me."

Steph: What are you doing staying with Rob?

W.T.B.: I needed a place real bad, until I could find my own pad. Thankfully, Rob was a real friend, and let me stay with him in the end.

Jenn: These rhymes are getting stale.

W.T.B.: Oooh baby, no rhyme is ever stale if you'd let me have some of your tail.

Jenn: That line was as bad as the lines given to me during the last show. Oye, oye, oye [starts banging her head against the wall].

Richard: Looks like the pimp can't score with all the women.

W.T.B.: Brother, I hear your concern, but just watch and learn.

[Kellye comes by to see Jenn and Steph, but at the same time, she falls pray to Tiddy Bear's seductive lines]

Kellye [to Tiddy Bear]: Hi.

W.T.B.: Hey baby, maybe we can go inside so I can take you for a little ride. You can see my scene if you know what I mean.

Kellye: Huh? Is that a pick up line?

Rob: Tiddy Bear, she's not that kind of girl. She's deeply religious.

W.T.B.: How religious could she be after seeing me?

Richard: Watch.

[Richard looks at Kellye and, in the voice of a minister, says]

Richard: Honk if you love Jesus!

Kellye: Honk, honk, honk, honk.

[Richard gives Kellye a cookie]

Steph: Bad Richard, you are so going to hell for that.

Richard: You know we all love Kellye, and there's nothing wrong with her expressing her love for Jesus. I'm just trying to show Tiddy Bear that he isn't going to score with her.

W.T.B.: My brother, I'm a lover like no other. Give me a chance, and we'll do that horizontal dance.

Kellye: Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww, not unless I'm married and you're Chris Klein.

Jenn: On that note, I think I'll just go inside my apartment and get ready for the day.

Scene 2:

[Jenn goes inside her apartment and gets ready for work. After she finishes dressing, she drives into work where she meets Aileen.]

Aileen: Good morning, Jenn.

Jenn: Morning Aileen, how are you?

Aileen: I'm fine, but I want you to know that I have some important news for you.

Jenn: Do you?

Aileen: Yes, I do. I was contacted earlier today by some television creators, and they want to know whether or not you would be interested in starring in a new reality based program. Its called "Spot the Shooting Movie Star," and the creators are hoping to have the pilot purchased by one of the networks for viewing in the fall.

Jenn: What will I be doing? I'm not an actress.

Aileen: They've read your reviews, and they love your honesty as much as I do. So, they want you to be one of the judges.

Jenn: I'm not a big fan of reality shows.

Aileen: You'll be paid $200,000 an episode if the creators can get the show sold and they decide to keep you as one of the judges.

Jenn: Sign me up.

Aileen: Great, you'll be working with celebrated filmmaker Guy Maddin and producer Robert Lantos. They'll be the two other judges, while David Steinberg and Babz Chula will be hosts.

Jenn: Sweet, I love Babz Chula's work, especially in Kanada.

Aileen: I'll tell the creators right now that you'll do the show. Right now, they'll be taping the pilot episode on Saturday.

Scene 3:

[Steph and Richard are in Richard's apartment, watching television. During a commercial, Steph wonders if Tiddy Bear is really a pimp.]

Steph: Don't you find it a bit funny that Tiddy Bear calls himself a pimp, but he doesn't have a stable of women to whore off on the public?

Richard: I'm not sure. Well, he's new. He's trying to see if he's able to build himself a stable.

Steph: My God, you're starting to rhyme like him.

Richard: I'm sorry, but you know, it really doesn't matter if he's a pimp or not.

Steph: Yeah, but its funny that he couldn't score with anyone of us.

Richard: Its odd, but like anyone else, all pimps need good love too every now and again.

[Steph and Richard here a knock on the door. Its Tiddy Bear, with a girl on his arm and a guy standing next to him.]

W.T.B.: My friends, my drought has come to an end.

Richard: Score!!

Steph: Great job, Tiddy Bear.

W.T.B.: Steph, you're so sweet. The kind of girl I'd love to eat. So, I gave you a man dressed in red, so you two can have fun in your bed.

Steph: Yes, score for me!

Richard: What about me?

W.T.B.: I'd love to help you out brother, but I just got myself a lover. Sometimes when sex ain't in demand, you're better off using your hand.

Richard: So, that explains all the blisters on your hand.

W.T.B.: Please don't try to cut on me because I don't want another enemy. Like a gift from above, I just want to love. And I will, once this woman here takes her pill.

[Steph and Tiddy Bear exit, leaving Richard alone. He sits on the couch, when the phone rings].

Jenn: Hey, Richard.

Richard: Yes, Jenn.

Jenn: Tell the gang that I have some important news.

Richard: What news is that?

Jenn: I'm going to be on television, doing a pilot for a show called "Spot the Shooting Movie Star."

Richard: Is this going to be like Behind the Music?

Jenn: No, its about finding the next big movie star.

Richard: Oh, you of all people, to judge. My, there are few movies you like, and even fewer actors you enjoy. We're talking about wanna be's, and I can't wait to hear what you say.

Jenn: Well, I loved "Moulin Rouge" thank you very much.

Richard: And even the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and again.

Jenn: Oh shut up, just tell the gang that they're invited to see me shoot the pilot episode this Saturday.

Richard: Okay, I will.

Jenn: I'm gonna be a star.

Richard: Whatever you say, Sparky.

Jenn: I'm not Sparky, okay. Just watch what you say, I'll remember it when you're working for me.

Richard: Whatever you say, Sparky.

Jenn: Errr.

Scene 4:

[Steph, Rob, Richard, Fred, Tina, Aileen, Alex, Kellye, and Tiddy Bear are all in the studio audience waiting for the show to begin.]

[Kellye sits next to Tiddy Bear, who is looking to score again. Tiddy Bear puts his arm around Kellye, who immediately slaps his hand.]

Kellye: Don't touch me.

W.T.B.: I bet this is the most action since you've come from Jackson.

Kellye: I'm not from Jackson, MS. I'm from Tuscaloosa, AL, home of the Tide. Roll Tide.

W.T.B.: Roll tide, roll tide, baby I'd love to see your backside.

[Kellye slaps Tiddy Bear. Undeterred, Tiddy Bear starts to hit on a female usher.]

Female Usher: Can I help you?

W.T.B.: Can you help me? Baby, I can help you, as you will see.

Female Usher: How can you help me?

W.T.B.: Let me know you, show you, and grow upon you.

Female Usher: How will you show me?

W.T.B. [with a devilish twinkle in his eye]: I'll show you, and you'll know too.

[Tiddy Bear and the Female Usher walk up the stairs as the pilot begins filming. The hosts walk out, and begins the show.]

David Steinberg: Good evening and welcome to "Spot the Shooting Movie Star." I'm your host, David Steinberg. With me is my co-host, the wonderful Babz Chula.

Babz Chula: Thank you, David. I'm glad everyone could make it tonight, especially to see David's wonderful new outfit.

D.S.: Its nothing really.

Jenn: Of course it ain't nothing folks, David is dressed as a reject from "Attack of the Clones."

B.C.: Ouch, for those of you who don't know, that's Jennifer McKeown who, with Guy Maddin and Robert Lantos, will be judging our contestants.

D.S.: Judging by her black clothes, Jennifer looks more like Anne Robinson's rejected daughther than anyone else.

Jenn: I wouldn't know that David. You would though, considering how far up her ass you are.

Richard: What's Jenn doing? She not usually like this.

Steph: Don't worry, she's acting, Rich. Its reality television, and they want conflict.

Richard: Oh.

[The show continued, and as each contestant came on to do their acting scenes, Jenn's critique was, as usual, honest and sharp. After one performance, Jenn said this to one contestant:]

Jenn: Do you know how bad your acting was?

Contestant: How?

Jenn: It was so bad that they wouldn't even put you into a porn movie.

[That had to hurt, but it was the truth. The contestant wasn't going to light the world on fire with his acting ability. With the last contestant finished, the show started to wrap up. Overall, "Spot the Shooting Movie Star" wasn't bad, but it wasn't Jenn either. After the show ended, Jenn sat a bit dejected in her dressing room. The gang, with the exception of Tiddy Bear (who was with the female usher), entered her room to talk to her.]

Scene 5:

Richard: That wasn't you out there.

Jenn: I know.

Richard: Why were you like that?

Jenn: They told me to act belligerent in order to build tension and ratings.

Richard: You're so much better than that, so much above that as well.

Jenn: I know.

Steph: We know you're better than that.

Rob: Yes, we love you Jenn.

Kellye: If this doesn't work out, I can see if I can get you a spot on "Blue's Clues" as Joe's new neighbor.

Jenn: That's okay, but thank you anyway.

Richard: Are you going to see about getting out of your contract?

Jenn: I'll see what I can do, although I $200,000 an episode is a ton of money to pass up.

Final Thought: Right now, I'm felling pretty conflicted. Its nice to have a television show, but I'd rather not have the wrath of the Canadian viewing public fall down upon my head. Yet, I know $200,000 an episode is a lot of money to pass up, and the . However, I also value my self worth. That's why I'm feeling a bit conflicted right now. Its a tough decision to make, to see if I can get out of my contract. Yet, I know my friends will be there for me. I'm just Jenn, and they love me. They have to love me, how can you not love me?

Stay tuned for a next episode, as we find out whether or not Jenn will decide whether or not she wants to get out of her contract.

I hope you all like the episode, although I can assure you that it pales in comparison with the previous two.

Richard

posted August 26, 2002 01:51 AM               

As for the Final Thought, I think we should cut it because I connect that to "The Jerry Springer Show," which to me, I never knew it had a first thought let alone a final thought. I also become reminded of Doogie Howser M.D. At the end of each episode, Doogie always was typing something philosophical on his computer journal about what he learned during the episode. So, I just think we might be best served to cut the Final Thought segment. However, that doesn't mean we do away with a final segment all together. We should get our collective heads together and come up with something different and fresh. Oh well, that's my two cents anyway.

posted August 26, 2002 06:50 PM               

There should be more M*A*S*H, we need a Hawkeye Pearce character.

posted September 01, 2002 04:15 AM               

Just Jenn
Episode 4

Steph is on her computer looking up the new website for Jenn's t.v. Show "Spot the Shooting Movie Star". Richard is watching the t.v. on the couch.

Steph: Richard, you would not believe some of the stuff they say about Jenn on this little profile page they have of her.
Richard: Crap! Maryland just fumbled!
Steph: Sorry to hear that. You should really go get those guys into shape, Rich. Did you hear what I said?
Richard: Something, something, something...Jenn. Yeah. I was listening, see? (seeing something horrible on the screen) Damn, I really wish you didn't have digital cable. It would save me the heartache I'm having right now.
Steph: Notre Dame scored, huh?
Richard: (wimpers)
Steph: Yeah, so on this webpage.
Richard: What webpage?

There is a knock on the door and Jenn enters.

Jenn: Hello all. How's it going?
Steph: Richard is a little absent minded a the moment.
Richard: No, I'm just watching football.
Steph: Oh, commercial time again, huh?
Richard: Yep.
Steph: So as I was saying, I can't believe some of the stuff on this profile on the website.
Jenn: What about it? I haven't read it.
Steph: (reading from the screen, as Richard and Jenn cluster around her) "Jennifer was born in Toronto, Canada. She started her career as an actress, but had a hard time finding work. It was then she found her true calling: movie criticism." Now here's the kicker, get this, it says: "Jenn is a well LOVED movie critic in her hometown of Toronto!"
Richard: Hahaha! Loved, maybe, but not for being a movie critic!
Steph: (giggling) Yeah! I know!
Jenn: (crossing her arms)Well, I don't know. I don't think it's that funny...
Steph: Wait, there's more.
Richard: More! Do read on!
Jenn: Shouldn't you be supporting Notre Dame or something?
Richard: It's Maryland, and no, it's halftime.
Steph: Yeah, so then it goes on to say that she comes from a very poor family of six children, which is why she couldn't attend formal journalism school.
Jenn: Well, I couldn't attend journalism school. I would have failed. Miserably.
Steph: mmhmm.
Richard: (reading) "But she overcame this lack of professional skill to become one of the most important critics of our time." Dang, Jenn, this makes you look so good! Real underdog story kinda thing.
Jenn: I didn't write it, you know.
Steph: Oh, that's pretty obvious.
Jenn: Gee, thanks.
Richard: Damn. Where'd they get that picture?!?!

Scene 2:
Steph is still on her computer. An instant message pops up.

Steph: AH!
Richard and Jenn (now both watching the football game): What?
Steph: I just got an instant message from BacoTell333.
Jenn: Who is that?
Steph: Not a clue. I'll ask.
He says he is from Toronto and just saw my profile.
Richard: Oo, and he's hot for you already?
Steph: Ha. Funny.
Jenn: Well, how old is he? Is he 54 and bald??
Steph: He sent me a picture.
Richard: AND????
Steph: Not that bad looking, actually....

Scene 3:
Taping of Jenn's show. Jenn is in her dressing room after the taping. Screaming protests are being heard in the hall. Things to the effect of: "I'm not as bad as she says!!" "I'm a GOOD Hamlet! Why does no one take me seriously??" "My mom was moved to tears by that performance!"

Jenn (chuckling at the comments): Silly, silly actors. Will they ever learn?

There is a knock on the door.

Jenn: Come in.

The producer, Arthur Harrold of the show enters.

AH: Great show, Jenn. Just fantastic. I really have loved watching you work. You are so quick to judge! You really seem to get into a groove. It makes my work so easy and look so good!
Jenn: Thanks, Mr. Harrold.
AH: Please, call me Art.
Jenn: Ok, Art.
AH: How do you feel the show is going?
Jenn: Well, to be honest, I feel a little uncomfortable being so nasty all the time.
AH: But you are so good at it!
Jenn: I'm a fairly good actor.
AH (chuckling): Toche, too--shaaaayyy.
Jenn: Well, couldn't I just do a little more friendly criticism?
AH: Well, Jenn, the viewers seem to like how refreshingly honest---
Jenn: I think brutal is a better word.
AH: Ha ha. Okay. Refreshingly brutal you are with the contestants. It makes the show interesting.
Jenn: I suppose----
AH: Oh, no supposing about it. You are a gem! Just keep up the good work!
Jenn: Thanks.
AH: No, thank YOU!
AH shakes her hand violently, beams widely and starts to leave, pausing with his hand on the door.
AH: Say....what are you doing tonight? Are you free for dinner? Say....Around 8? Carlton's?
Jenn: Um...
AH: Oh, just say yes. Purely a PROFESSIONAL dinner!
Jenn: Um...
AH: Ha ha! There's a good girl! Ok. Carlton's at 8. I'll see you there.

Scene 4:
At Steph's apartment. She is running around trying to find a nice pair of dress shoes to go with her outfit. There is a knock at the door. It's Fred, Rob and Alex.

Fred: Yikes.
Rob: Damn.
Alex: Where are you going tonight dressed like that, young woman? We were going to see if you wanted to go to a movie, sans Jenn.
Steph: I sorta have a date.
Fred: Obviously not a business dinner.
Rob: Damn.
Alex: Who's the lucky guy?
Steph: Just some guy.
Alex: Well, you obviously want to impress him.
Steph: Is that not what a date is for? What if they are the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with and they think you dress like trash? It's all about first impressions.
Rob: Oh, really? Maybe that's my problem.
Fred: You don't really believe in that crap, do you?
Steph: Well, not the part about them being the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, but first impressions (she looks strongly at Rob), yes, I do mean that.
Alex: I don't think you will have a problem dressed like that. Where'd you meet him?
Steph (mumbling, tucking her hair behind her ear as she turns slightly away): umonline...OH! THERE'S MY OTHER SHOE!
Steph rushes over to the couch and pulls out a slinky black dress shoe that doesn't look like it should be able to be used for walking on.
Rob: I hope you don't intend to walk in that.
Steph: No, of course not. I intend to skip.
Alex: I'm sorry, did you say online?
Fred: Yes, I believe I heard that as well.
Steph (blushing slightly): Well, yes, sorta.
Rob, Alex, and Fred: Sorta??
Steph: Okay, yes.
Rob: Oh do tell us more.
Steph: Well, he IMed me when I was looking at the website for Jenn's show, and we got to talking and he asked me to dinner.
Alex: I hope he isn't a serial killer.
Steph: I hope so too, but don't worry, it's just a first date. I'll be home by midnight, probably not even that late, maybe we won't get along in person.
Fred: You are so brave.
Alex: Agreed.
Rob: I don't know, promise you won't run off with him to Vegas on the first date.
Steph: Ha, ok. I promise.

Scene 5:
Carlton's restaurant. Steph arrives for her date and finds Jenn arriving as well.

Steph: Hey Jenn! What are you doing here?
Jenn: Oh hi Steph. I'm meeting the producer of the show here tonight. What are you doing here?
Steph: I have a date, too.
Jenn: Oh, this is not a date. It is just a dinner meeting. Purely professional.
Steph: Riiiight. A professional dinner on a Friday night, at Carlton's, at 8 o'clock...uh huh.
Jenn: Shut up. He's my boss. I couldn't turn him down.
Steph: Very true.
Jenn: And why are you here?
Steph: Well, mine is actually a date.
Jenn: With?
Steph: You know that guy who IMed me this morning?
Jenn: Yeah, BacoTell, or whatever?
Steph: Yes. He invited me to dinner.
Jenn: Dang, he moves quick. I would have thought from the name he was into Mexican food, not Italian.
Steph: Oh, is that what they serve here?
Jenn: Not a clue, let's go in, shall we?
Steph: Indeed we shall.

They enter the restaurant and give their names to the host.
Host: Right this way, Ms. McKeown. (he leds her to a corner table that is lit with only a candle.)
Steph (muttering to herself): Ha, yeah, I think that business is all that is on that guy's mind. Wife is probably home with the kids, too.
Host: And your table is this way, ma'am.

Steph follows the host to a corner table in a separate room. Seated there is a very nice looking man about the age of 25. Steph thanks the host.
Steph (as she sits down opposite the man): And you must be BacoTell333?
The man laughs: Yeah, you can call me Jason. And you must be baseballnut25.
Steph: Yes. You can call me Stephanie. It's nice to meet you.
Jason: You as well.

On the other side of the restaurant, Jenn is greeted by her boss.

Jenn: Hello, Mr. Harrold.
AH: Jenn, Jenn, Jenn. Please, call me Art. Everyone else does! I insist upon it!
Jenn: Yes. Sorry.
AH: I believe a close relationship begins with using first names with each other. I believe it builds community in a workplace.
Jenn: (feeling a little confident that maybe it realy will be a business dinner) Oh, yes, I think that is a very good way to do that.
AH (with a wave of his hand, as if he is swatting a fly): But who cares about work, I'd like to learn more about YOU. Who IS Jennifer McKeown? What does she like about life?
Jenn (shifting in her seat): Well...um...
The waiter appears to take their drink order.
AH: I'll have a bottled water and can you put a little...twist...of lemon and lime in there? I think it makes it taste THAT much better, don't you?
The waiter nods as if he has heard it all before.
Jenn: I'll have some of that red wine, please.
The waiter nods again and hurries off.
AH: A sullen fellow, don't you agree? Yes, well, where did you grow up?
Jenn: Here.
AH: Fascinating, fas--sin--ating. I'm from New York, myself. The City, that is, not the state.
Jenn: Oh.

Scene 6:
Steph and Jason are laughing about something when their food arrives.
Steph: Yes, my friend Jenn thought you would prefer to go somewhere with Mexican food because of your screenname.
Jason: Ha, yeah, well, I've gotten that before, but I did get the name like six years ago when I was working at Taco Bell. I thought it would be funny to just switch the first two letters. Steph: Well, it is easy to remember.
Jason: Yes, that's another reason I picked it. The 333 really means nothing. Just a filler number. I actually hate mexican food now. I think it's a defect of working at Taco Bell for several years as a teenager. You get sick of the smell and taste after eating it or being around it constantly while you are working.
Steph laughs: Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel the same way about children. I used to work in a daycare.

Steph sees Jenn pass by the table, give a sharp nod and head on to the bathrooms.
Steph: Excuse me a moment. I need to use the restroom.
Steph follows Jenn in to the restroom.
Jenn: Steph, you were right.
Steph: I honestly never thought those words would never come to me by way of your mouth.
Jenn: This guy is all over me, like...like yellow on butter!
Steph: Whoa, that bad, huh? Is he married?
Jenn: I don't know, but he's my boss, ya know? And I do like older guys, but this guy is at least as old as my dad. It's just a little creepy.
Steph: Yes, a major delema.
Jenn: So what should I do?
Steph: Crawl out the window and escape.
Jenn: Seriously....I can't do that in these clothes!
Steph: Good point. Um. I'd say stick it out, since he is your boss...or, you could get sick. That might work too.
Jenn: Stick it out? Well, what if he asks me out again?
Steph: Cross that when you get there, just say you need to check on a time.
Jenn: Good plan. I"ll just seem not interested in all in a relationship.
Steph: Good. Now, I'd like to get back...
Jenn: Yes, of course. I'll stay here for a few more minutes.
Steph leaves and goes back to her table. Jenn emerges shortly after and goes back to her table.
Steph to Jason: Sorry about that. Where were we?

Jenn and AH are still talking, or rather AH is talking and Jenn is nodding every once in a while, while picking at her food.
Jenn sees Steph going to pay her bill, and then leave. She nearly chokes on her lasagna when she sees Steph's date go to pay his bill. He is rather on the short side, clearly under four feet tall.

Scene 7:
Jenn, Rich, Rob, WTB, Alex, and Fred are all in Jenn's apartment. She is telling them about the evening.
Jenn: And then, the guy walks up to pay, and he's seriously like three and a half feet tall! He must have been sitting on phone books in that booth. I also don't think Steph knows he's so....
Rich: Little in stature?
Jenn: Dude, think Mini-Me!
WTB: Yo' mama is like Mini-Me, she so short, she make me look like a tree.
Rob (ignoring WTB's comment): Boy, can you imagine Steph and a guy that short?
Rich: She's taller than most of us!
Alex: I don't see how this can work out.
Fred: It's all the same when you are lying in bed!
Jenn: Ewww. Bad image! Thanks a lot!
Rich: Well, if she doesn't know, she will find out eventually.
Jenn: Or we'll have to tell her, but she seemed to really like the guy.
WTB: I guess only time will tell. Will it be the short guy who rings Steph's bell?

TO BE CONTINUED.....

posted September 02, 2002 04:05 PM               

I expect the next episode to accomodate my requests. Hmph.

And no, I can't spell or write grammatically correct statements.

posted September 02, 2002 08:12 PM               

Steph, you know who I'm talking about, so you must not tell anyone. It should be a closely held secret that will only draw more people in to read the next installment.

Perhaps, we can also throw in a "your mom" moments that will keep Ericka happy.

posted September 08, 2002 01:01 AM               

Kellye

posted September 10, 2002 06:57 PM               

Kellye

Episode 5 “Stilt The One”

Scene 1

(Jenn, Steph, Richard, Kellye, and Rob sit around Steph’s apartment the day after the big “dates.” Jenn’s stretched out on the couch, Steph, Richard, and Kellye sit in chairs around the room, and Rob sits in the floor with his guitar. They’re having very random conversations.)

Richard: Jenn, you haven’t said anything in a long time. Are you OK?
Jenn: I was just trying to think of my top 10 movies, but I can only get 6 movies that I’ve ever even liked.
Steph: What about Moulin Rouge? You remembered that one, right?
Jenn: I’ve counted that one 3 times already.

(All of a sudden Rob hits a different chord on his guitar. Everyone looks at him and gasps.)

Rob: Oops. Put my fingers in the wrong place.

(He goes back to playing the first chord over again, and everybody groans. Kellye looks at all the disappointed faces. She tries to cheer them up.)

Kellye: It’s great to have such a nice guy around, though. Don’t you think so, guys?
Steph: He’s like the nicest guy in the world.
Jenn: Yes. A lot of people seem to think so.
Richard: Jenn, does this book make me look fat? I started to get the paperback. It was red, and I’m just not sure about this blue.
Jenn (rolling eyes): You look lovely, Richard.

(Satisfied, Richard goes back to his reading. Just then, the phone rings. Steph goes to pick it up.)

Steph: Hello. Hey, Fred. The circus? Well, um. OK. I don’t have anything else planned. I’ll ask the others and get back with you later. OK. Bye.
Kellye: The circus?! I LOVE the circus!
Steph: Fred thinks it’d be funkalicious to go to the circus tonight. Something about singing bears.
Jenn: Um, as bad as I hate to say it, I have nothing else to do.
Rob: Will I get popcorn?
Richard: Sure, Rob. We’ll get you some popcorn.
Steph: Cool. I’ll call Fred and tell him we’ll meet him outside at 6:30.

Scene 2 (The Circus)

(Steph, Jenn, Kellye, Richard, Fred, Alex, and Rob walk into the big top, in that order.)

Rob (squealing from the back): When do we get popcorn?!
Jenn: Somebody get the chord king some popcorn, please.

(Richard takes Rob by the hand, and they go off to find a popcorn stand. The others walk toward the seats. Suddenly, some clowns come by on stilts, and they stop to let them pass by.)

Kellye: Wow. They’re really tall.
Jenn: Ingenious technique you have of figuring out the obvious, Kellye-Belly.
Steph: She IS a professional student. Nice to know they’ve taught her something.

(Suddenly Steph freezes cold and gasps. She stares at one of the clowns.)

Steph (Looking into a very distinguishable pair of clear blue eyes): Jason?!
Jason (stammering): Um, hi! Gotta go!
Fred: Who was that?
Alex (whispering to Fred): I think it’s Steph’s man.

(Jason chases quickly after the other clowns. Steph is still frozen. Jenn is laughing her head off.)

Kellye: Steph? Are you ok?
Steph: Oh, yeah. Just a little surprised.
Jenn (still giggling): You’re right, Kell. They are really tall!
Steph: Let’s go sit down.

(They all go and find seats, and soon Richard and Rob come back with a tub of popcorn that it takes 2 to carry. Rob is grinning from ear to ear. Richard doesn’t look too happy.)

Richard: They were out of small. We had to get a medium. $29,95….(He sighs heavily.)
Rob: I got some popcorn!
Steph: We see that, dear.
Jenn (still giggling) Hey Richard, we just saw Jason.
Steph: Would you quit laughing? I’m sure there’s a very normal explanation.
Richard: Steph’s Jason? What about him? What’s so funny, Jenn?
Kellye: He’s one of the clowns on stilts.
Richard: Interesting. I read a book about stilts once….
Steph (cutting him off and changing the subject quickly): OK, everybody. Sit down, please. They’re about to start.)

(After a series of acts and animals and clowns, the singing bears come out, and everyone sits quietly except for Fred, who thoroughly enjoys every second of it. The show finally comes to the end, and everyone get up to leave.)

Scene 3 (The Parking Lot)

Jenn: That was surely interesting.
Steph: Let’s go do something that involves food, please. I’m starving.
Rob (Still toting over half of his popcorn): You can have a piece of popcorn, Steph.
Richard: I think we need something with more substance, Rob.
Steph: Let’s go get pizza.
Richard. OK. Let’s just get out of here.

(They all pile into their vehicles and head out to get food. Before long they’re all back in Steph’s apartment drinking cappuccino.)

Scene 4 (Steph’s apartment):

Steph: I think that’s enough circus for a while.
Jenn: Most definitely. But right now, I need sleep. I’m gonna go home.
Fred: The bears just weren’t as good as I’d hoped. I thought they’d at least do some *NSync covers.
Richard: Uh, yeah. OK guys, I’m taking off, too.
Rob: Will you help me carry my popcorn to my apartment first, Richard?
Richard: Sure, Rob. Come on.

(They get up to leave. Rob grabs his guitar and runs out the door playing his chord over and over again. He leaves the popcorn to Richard. Richard sighs, shakes his head and picks up the popcorn and heads out the door, and all the others follow. Steph gets online before she goes to bed. Jason comes on. He IMs her first.)

Jason: Hey, Steph.
Steph: Hi.
Jason: I want to tell you something.
Steph: You mean that you ran away to join the circus?
Jason: hehe. Not exactly. I do it for extra money and to make people happy, Steph. It’s not a JOB, really….it’s just my way to help society.
Steph: That’s so sweet, Jason. You’re a great guy.
Jason: Thanks, but it’s not about me, Steph. It’s for all the little people out there who need a big impact on their lives. But, I’m going to bed now. Meet me tomorrow for lunch.
Steph: Sounds great. Call me tomorrow.
Jason: Will do. Talk to you then.