posted May 19, 2002 01:43 AM               

Joke time, corny joke time:

Can elephants get drunk?

Yes, but they still won't go back to your apartment.

Richard

posted May 23, 2002 05:54 PM               

Anyways, I'm happy to inform ya'll that I will be graduating in a year and a half.. if all goes well and I hope it will. Maybe I'll run for office in the chapter we have here..

Anyways, I was feeling that this will cheer me up since I just had one hell of weird and aggravating day..

Thanks for listening to me if you read this post

Well, hope you're having a WAY better day than I am..

posted May 24, 2002 11:16 AM               

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?

One, a guy will screw anything.

hehehehe. Dirty joke Friday.

posted May 24, 2002 11:49 AM               

My offering for this afternoon:

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised -- and flattered -- the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

posted May 27, 2002 03:52 PM               

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"

Lil' Red said, "To grandma's."

Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."

Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."

The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"

She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"

And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."

"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.

"No, you ain't," said Lil' Red.

"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.

Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

posted May 27, 2002 04:37 PM               

There's this woman who works in an office, and everday the same man walks by and says, "Your hair smells soo good!" After this repeatedly happened, the woman got mad and went to her boss and told him that she wanted to file sexual harrassment charges against the man. Confused, the boss asks why. She replies "He's a midget!"

posted May 27, 2002 05:23 PM               

This is what I call fun.

posted May 29, 2002 04:14 PM               

Sorry I'm not around that much, but Mr. Funk is a busy man. Busy makin' money.

Miss you all a lot.

posted June 12, 2002 08:48 PM               

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

"You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

posted June 14, 2002 10:06 AM               

Richard

posted June 14, 2002 01:01 PM               

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone,
and one says to the other:

posted June 18, 2002 12:26 AM               

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox??

Bill!

posted June 18, 2002 06:15 AM               

My ten year old won first prize in a magazine for "what do you call a line of barbie dolls?" (a Barbie queue....)

I know it is not joke friday yet....but I have to share this one, hope it doesn't *offend* any sensitive ears, bit racey

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and instead is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns
to him ... they kiss ... and then one thing leads to another....
Shortly afterwards, when they are lying there together in the afterglow, the
woman rolls over and asks,smiling, "Well, how was it?" The man says, "You
can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

posted June 18, 2002 08:06 AM               

Oh my MsD, that last joke was a bit freaky, not in its content but in the fact that my sister sent me that joke yesterday.

It doesn't have to be joke Friday in order for someone to tell a joke, especially the dirty ones. In the last Slip Into.... thread, we all just told jokes at random, whenever we felt like telling them. The dirty joke Friday was something I figured would become a little tradition so people could post a bit more frequently here.

Anyway...here's a few jokes that will keep all of you laughing one hundred years from now.

Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toy chest?

She sat on Pinnochio's face and said, "Lie to me, damn it, lie to me!"

And....

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. He goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy, he'll service every chicken you've got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, so he
buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. I need you to do a good job, so take your time and have some fun!" the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seems to understand so the farmer points him toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot.

WHAM! He nails every hen in there THREE of FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM. He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks and nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

I hope you all enjoyed!

Richard

posted July 02, 2002 08:32 AM               

Enjoy this new joke...

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he became older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesmaneyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your nuts up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Richard

posted July 03, 2002 09:55 AM               

I am sitting here in my office on a Wednesday morning, just waiting for 5:00 to roll around. For me, I get a nice little four day weekend. Time just seems to move slowly, especially when a holiday is approaching.

Right now, I'm still waiting for word on whether or not I got a permanent job with Georgetown. Its in the Continuing Legal Education Department, and I would get a full load of benefits. If I get the job, I would leave the office I'm currently in, which I'm hoping for. I express this desire, but I hope the devil I get (if I get it) isn't worse than the devil I had.

posted July 03, 2002 07:54 PM               

This guy comes out from a bar after way too many drinks. Seriously hammered, he staggers down the street. In the darkness he spots a nun, he runs up the her and kicks the shit out of her. After he has finished kicking and punching he says:

posted July 03, 2002 08:16 PM               

A lad comes home from school one day and his mum notices he's grinning from ear to ear "What's the matter with you, you look like the cat that's got the cream?"

"Well mum" says the lad, "today I made love with my English teacher in the stock room". The mother is furious and says "just wait till your father gets home!"

When the dad gets home he too acts furious but when the mother leaves the room he starts grinning too - proud as punch that his son has got a shag so early on. "Son" he says, "today you did your old man proud -you've become a man, and as a treat I'm going to take you for a pint then we'll go and buy that mountain bike you've had your eye on".

"That sounds great dad" says the lad "but can I have a skateboard instead - my arse is killing me..."

posted July 26, 2002 11:10 AM               

Oh well, if Fred were here with Alex and Steph, Crockett and Tubbs would have a female crime fighter to join them.

Richard