posted February 15, 2002 03:20 PM            

I will think up a new story bit within the next day or so, but I won't reveal it until we bring Fred back to safety.

Peace,

Richard

posted February 16, 2002 03:41 AM            

The Donut Files
Episode Title: "MmmHostage"
Installment #1

Starring: Rob and Steph
Guest Starring: Funky Fred, Hanson, Vanilla Ice, and Brian Curtis.

Listening to the Narrator, Rob asks, "Who in the hell are those last two guest stars?"

At this point, Vanilla Ice enters and says, "You know who I am, fool. You better know me, or I'll get Shug Knight on your ass."

"Oh, shut up Van Winkle or I'll melt your sorry ass with a blow torch," Steph replied. "Shug Knight is in prision you idiot. Damn, some people can't be thankful, especially when they need the work. One hit song and they think they're the bees knees, nevermind the fact that the song is older than the crust in Van Winkle's underwear."

"That's gross," Rob said, "but thanks for sticking up for me, Steph. But who's Brian Curtis?"

"I don't know," Steph answered.

"Dude," Brian Curtis says enthusiastically, "I'm the kid from the Dell commercials. My fifteen minutes are almost up, so I'm trying to oversaturate myself in the public eye."

"Oh, that's f*cking wonderful," Rob and Steph say together.

"Dude, you're getting a--."

"No, no, no, we're not going to get sued over your stupid, drug infested ass," said Rob and Steph, interrupting Brian mid-sentence. "If you try to say that line again, I'm going to bitch slap you so politely that you'll thank me for the tea and sympathy," Rob said forcefully. He means business on this one.

"Let's get on with the show," Steph said excitedly, also trying to defuse a tense situation.

The Story Begins....

Everything is going well in Fred's life. After all, he just finished his thesis, will be getting his degree shortly, has a beautiful girlfriend, and more importantly, Fred is funky. Fred is so damn funky that the music industry had to ask Fred for permission to use Funk as a new music genre. Yes, that's how funky Fred is. Looking in the mirror, Fred smiles, "Damn, I'm Funky."

At the same time, though, Fred has some pressing issues on his mind. He was going to head back to his native Norway to see his family, and he had to get ready for his flight. In a couple of hours, Fred's plane would be leaving from the Glosgow airport and, by the end of the day, he would be home with his family. Fred is excited. Things are just funky, as Fred would tell you.

Fred left his flat to head to the airport. After putting the last pieces of luggage into the trunk of his car, Fred turned on the ignition and started to drive. The radio started to play and an oldie came on the radio, a song Fred hadn't heard in years. Of course, Fred wasn't too thrilled with the song. It was "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. So, Fred decided to change the lyrics in order to have some fun with it.

Starts to sing "Ice, Ice Baby."

Funk, funk baby

Funk, funk baby

All right stop
Gravitate and listen
Funk is here and I want your attention
Boybands are really made of plastic
They sing their songs to make me sick and nautious
Will it ever stop?
Yo-I hope so
Turn off the lights and they'll go
To the Funkman, I rock my girl like an earthquake
Light up her world and make it rattle and shake
Britney
She's like a shotgun you know
All she needs is one cock and she's ready to blow

By this time, Fred reached a stop light, so he stopped singing. He was not too far from the Glasgow airport. In ten minutes, Fred made it to the airport. He stood in line to get checked over by security, when he noticed the three guys in front of him were the Hanson brothers.

"Hey, are you guys from Hanson?" Fred asked.

"Yes, we are," Isaac Hanson, the oldest brother, said.

"Shouldn't you be in school, or at least hit puberty," Fred said jokingly.

"No, why must you people always pick on us?" Zachary Hanson, the youngest brother, said in a temper tantrum tone.

"Don't pick on us. For your information, I shaved for the first time yesterday," said Taylor Hanson.

"Yeah, but peach fuzz doesn't count," Fred said laughing.

All three of the Hanson brothers stared at Fred angrily. "We are stars, you know. We have a hit song in Norway and we're going there to promote it."

"Oh God, things are worse in Norway than I thought," Fred said shocked. "That doesn't mean anything, you know. Even Air Supply gets the occasional hit in Norway."

The Hanson brothers became angrier. "We aren't as big in America as we once were, but you'll see, things will change."

Fred was pretty taken aback about the Hansons. While Fred realized that he didn't make matters easy for them, they still acted like spoiled brats. However, things were still funky, and Fred boarded his flight. His chance encounter with the Hansons, though, would have a chilling effect on Fred's day.

The End of Installment #1

I hope you all enjoyed it.

Best,

Richard

posted February 17, 2002 01:28 AM            

the letter is interupted and continues in different handwriting:
hahahaha! We shall get our revenge for wrongs done to us! Your dear Fred has insulted us and we are now forcing him to listen to all of our cds (including the Easter special). By the end, he will learn to appreciate our musical talents!! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
sincerely,
Isaac, Taylor and (the most wonderful drummer) Zachary
Collectively called Hanson

Rambo Rob immediately contacts his karate science master Stephanie with the horrific news.

'What will we do?' Rob asks with horror, gripping the phone with all his strength.

'Well, we'll just have to save him!' Steph replies. 'Maybe we should recruit Mastermind and perhaps our European contact, Alex as well. We could use all the help we can get. This mission is very complicated.'

'Yes,' Rob agrees. 'Mastermind Richard will know what to do!'

'Well, actually, I was hoping he could help with the musical history of Hanson.' Steph replies. 'But perhaps he will be useful in other ways as well.'

'I'll send out the word!' Rob declares. 'Say, how is Duncan by the way?'

'Duncan?' Steph asks. 'oh, right! My promised date for saving him from the clutches of madness! Well, he's working hard lately and he said he'd call when he's available.'

'Uh oh. He said he'd call?'

'Yeah,' Steph sighs. 'That's the death of that matter, eh?'

'Sorry about that. Well, I will contact you soon about this mission.' Rob replies.

'Sounds good, Rob. Be careful.'

posted February 18, 2002 08:17 AM            

...

posted February 18, 2002 08:27 AM            

Rob waited patiently to see if they would post any demands...

posted February 18, 2002 08:37 AM            

ThEsE aRe OuR dEmnDs:

1- free nsync

2- we want DunCan To joiN oUr bAnd( we could use him for a great amany things)

3- We waNt our comrads vANILLa iCE aND ThE OtHER bOy to bBe PoPULAR Again.

4- we also want that bitch Richard to get us some vanilla ice cream, and to give us petty cure, among other things..

5 Wewant you roB And Steph T DIE!!

iF These deamnds are not met we will do the undescribable to FfRED!

HEHEHEHEHEHE...

hANSON

posted February 19, 2002 10:33 AM            

"Damn" said Richard! "we've got a very tough situation in our hands.

"Why can't we all just get along?" asked a very perplexed Steph.

posted February 19, 2002 12:05 PM            

Guys, please meet their demands or come or send Tom Cruise to rescue me. If not, the Hansons have said to me that they'll cut off their hair and slap me with it.

The music is torture enough.......

posted February 19, 2002 03:10 PM            

I have an idea of how to get the Hansons off yer back. The thing is - they DID hit puberty (I was at home with a new baby in 1996 when they hit with MMMMBop - and I remember a Rosie O'Donnell show where they were 11, 14, 16 respectively. And that was six years ago! The only hit song they have ever had in their LONG LONG career is MMMMBop, correctimundo? (Wolfie joke - Just how many M's does it take to complete the title of that song? Answer: As many as it took for the Hansons to stretch that song out just long enough to press for a single, since there were not enough "actual" lyrics).
I told you I suck at jokes!

So why don't you offer to get them "hormonally castrated" (before all you males start cringing at the thought of your own precious jewels, hear me out ) - let's offer SUPER doses of female hormones (by injection; I'm a nurse; I'll find a way to steal the goods) instead, so that their voices will shrill in the upper soprano ranges once again (and forever, as long as the drugs last...) - and they will be in teenybopper land once again and be HAPPY!!
They will forget about their demands (because the real motivation is money. We all know that Fred here is loaded, and if I am correct (I'm quite sure ) - the Hansons would be THRILLED to be back in pre-pubescent form. So what if they are all six feet tall by now, as long as they can SHHHHRREEEKKK MMMBop and go back into the studio and record "MMMBop 2002" - release it tomorrow - they will have a platinum CD single within one week, thus leaving poor Fred (and his millions) alone. They won't have to tour. I think this is ALL about money guys. They are pressing Fred for ransom (not a bad idea actually, I'm a bit short Fred...)

posted February 19, 2002 08:23 PM            

*Humming the "Spider-Man" theme*

Watch out and beware, the NEW adventures of the Sheik-Files, only on YOUR Message Board.

(Well, the story reminds me of "Spy Groove" so far...).

As Steph and Rob arrive in Helsinki, it's Agent Alex who welcomes them. "Welcome to beautiful Finland, home of the Elks, Giraffes and Unicorns. It won't take long and you'll love this beautiful little country with all it's beaches, canyons - and of course Disney World", he says to them, smiling, but with a strange Russian Accent. Steph is smiling nervously. Rob does nothing, except wrinkling his left eyebrow. Alex comes nearer and starts to whisper, talking normally: "Sorry for that, you can't be carefull enough over here. Hanson do have many fans in Norway and their Network of aging young pre-pubescent teens got it's eyes and ears everywhere. Follow me", he says, pointing to an old 1972 VW Van. He raises his voice again, with the accent again: "And yyyess, of course I'll show you the wonderful Kilimandjaro later on... dawei, dawei!"

Later...

The bus/van is speeding down a lonely road in the woods outside Helsinki and the agents are making plans.

"So what can we do", Steph asks, "and where the f*** are those bad copied Spice Girls?" - "Any plans?" Rob says. No one answers. And so they're heading into a dark, uncertain future... oh, wait, wrong script... . After a while in the van they reach an old farm. There are no animals, but in a window of the little farm house they see a light. "Time for Laura Ingles, isn't it?" Rob says jokingly. "Actually this was the original set of "The Waltons"... they always told you it was American, but the shocking truth is that even John-Boy is from Finland." Not able to answer anything, Rob and Steph keep standing there. A piece of their world just shattered in pieces. Alex continues: "Aw, nevermind, it's the same as back then in 1969. Well, it wasn't Finland, but Neil Armstrong had his big show deep down in Alabama. You know that, don't you?"

When Rob and Steph wake up again, their first thought is that they're still dreaming. "Damn it, Steph, this guys just looks like...", Rob says. "Yeah", Steph answers, "we must be dreaming, this can't be... ." - "Aw, get your lazy bones up to the floor again, fellows", the guys says. Both get up and they're following the guy. As they take a look around, they find out that they're in some kind of lab, huge and full of strange thins and instruments. Steph reaches for a funny looking ... thing... but the guys grabs her hand: "U can't touch this", he says angrily and suddenly two dancers and a choir appear. They are surrounding our agents, as a voice breaks through the tensioned silence. It is Alex again: "Yo... please, Hammer, don't hurt'em". "Ha", Rob triumphants, "I knew I recognized this guys from somewhere!" - "Well, a-ok, boss, but, yo, I tell ya, you geeks were happy to be saved by the bell, ya what I'm sayin'", Hammer says. So, no, they don't know, but quite fast they decided that this doesn't matter and so Alex leads them to the high-security-area: "So welcome again, but this time to our secret-northern-european-headquarter-depatment5, founded on (and with freindly support of the local army) a fromer military base which is still called "BLAIR". In this lab we research three things:
- WHERE are Hanson
- HOW to create their f****** hormons
(This is the part where Shari appears waving at them)
- WHICH weapon can defeat those diabolical creatures - the brothers I mean - most effective.
Hehe, that last part of our work is also called the Blair-Which-Project..."
Rob and Steph simply ignore that joke. Good agents know when to do so and this ability can be neccessary for survival.

Will there be good jokes again? Does a secret weapon exist? How is Shari doing the those hormons? Are Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias really the same person? And how much untapped power own the horrifying hanson Brothers?

posted February 19, 2002 10:26 PM            

"I'm going to the Sheikcave. I'm going to do some research there, just meet me there in an hour." Rob and Steph agree, so they split for one hour.

An hour passes, Rob, Steph, and Richard join forces inside the Sheikcave. The Sheikcave is an undisclosed place only known to the Donuts and, well, Dick Chaney. However, while its undisclosed, the Sheikcave has some of the more high-tech instruments for the Donuts to use.

"Thanks for meeting me back here," Richard tells Rob and Steph. "I have a plan on how to save Fred and return him to his funky glory."

"What is your plan," Rob and Steph say in unison."

Richard lays out his plan for defeating the Hanson brothers. To Richard, Fred's rescue was a matter of principle, which meant that the Donuts would not give in to any of Hanson's demands. The situation called for covert action, by smoking the little brats from out of their studio and into our custody.

"Here are some facts on the Hanson brothers," Richard says to Rob and Steph.

Isaac Hanson:

Full Name: Clarke Isaac Hanson
Nickname: Ike
Age: 21
Birthdate: November 17, 1980
Birth Sign: Scorpio -- private, leader, creative, intense
Height: 5' 10"
Eye color: Brown
Hair: Dark Blonde, it tends to be frizzy. He often has it pulled back in a tail.
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite School Subject: Science
Favorite Food: Pasta, Pizza, Burgers, etc...
Favorite Music: Alanis Morissette, No Doubt, a lot of R'n'B stuff and he says, "some country... I am from Oklahoma after all!"
Fave sport: Speed Hockey & rollerblading
Part in the Band: Guitarist, Vocals, & Pianist

Taylor Hanson

Full Name: Jordan Taylor Hanson
Perferred name: Taylor
Nickname: Tay
Birthdate: March 14, 1983
Birthplace: Tulsa, OK
Birth sign: Pisces --- sensitive, psychic, healer
Age: 18
Eye color: Blue
Hair: blonde, Taylor wears it shoulder-length, parted down the middle. Sometimes he'll pull it back into a tail; if not he'll tuck it behind his ears.
Height: 5' 7"
Favorite color: Red
Best Friend: Ibrahim Abdul-Razak Favorite school subjects: Literature, Art & computer classes
Favorite food: anything his mom makes, he loves Pizza, McDonalds and mashed potatoes!
Fave Sports: Soccer, Basketball, & rollerblading
Part in the Band: Vocals, Keyboards, & Percussion
The reason why Tay has the keyboard is that he took to the instrument the best, he was the most natural.
Fave Music: Counting Crows, Spin Doctors, Natalie Merchant, Tay says, "I mean just everything, all the Top 40 stuff and everything else, even rap."

Zachary Hanson
Full Name: Zachary Walker Hanson
Nickname: Zac Birthdate: October 22, 1985
Birth Sign: Libra --- peacemaker, seeks balance and justice
Age: 16
Eye color: brown
Height: 5' 3"

"Holy Sheikskabobs," Rob says, "Richard, you know an awful lot about the Hansons. I must wonder if you're not a double agent for them!"

"Never," Richard says quite pissed at Rob's remark. "I did my research in order to brief you and Steph on your covert mission to Finland."

"What's the plan Richard?" Steph asks.

At this time, Brian Curtis, the Dell computer boy, walks out and says, "Dude, you just got your Dell hooked up."

"What is he doing here?" Steph asks.

"He is going to help me hack into Hanson's computer system."

"Of all the computer hackers out there, you could only find this pencil dick," Rob says.

"Yeah," Steph says in agreement.

"I understand your feelings, but money is tight. Duncan's record sales has fallen off and the country is in a recession. Brian Curtis is the best I could do. Plus, after its all said and done," Richard continues while covering Brian's ears, "we're going to kill him so we won't be seeing him on television anymore."

"Ah," Rob and Steph say a bit disheartened.

Richard continues to outline the plan. As he and Brian hack into the system, Rob and Steph are going to take a concord out to Finland, where they're going to hook up with the secret agent Ice Cream, also known as Vanilla Ice. At mention of this, Steph interjects.

"This is Vanilla Ice. How in the hell can he be a secret agent? People still know him, although its infamously."

"Again, money is tight," Richard explains, "and Vanilla needed the work. This is Finland. How popular can he be?"

At that moment, Rob turned on the t.v. to Fox News when Shephard Smith reported, "In Finland today, thousands of screaming girls went out to the Helsinki-Vantaa airport to greet American rapper Vanilla Ice today. The event came as quite a shock to both the American music industry and to Vanilla Ice himself. Ice's 1990 hit single, "Ice Ice Baby" was released for the first time in Finland today and is expected to break decades old sales records. Welcome back to the big time, Vanilla Ice."

"We are screwed now," Steph said. "There's no one there to guide us, and we don't even know what studio Fred's in. Its hopeless."

"No we're not," Richard said. "Our new tracking system, the Wolfie2002, has tracked Hanson to the Buestone Studios in Åkerlundinkatu. That's where Hanson is at."

After making that comment, Richard finished disclosing the plan. He told Rob and Steph that they were to still take the concord to Finland, but they were to meet up with another contact. The contact would be an attractive woman named Shari. She will direct you to the Buestone Studios, where all three of you will wait until Richard and Brian can hack into the studio's computer system.

"How will we know when that's complete?" Rob asks.

"On that table," Richard states while pointing to the table on his right, "are three high powered pagers. They're like Swiss Army pagers that can be used for communications, laser weapons, eating, drinking, bomb making, telling time, brushing teeth, tying shoes, getting dressed, bargain shopping, and learning 177 different languages including several dead dialects. It also has a nice little money back offer from the Time-Life company. When Brian and I are complete, I will page you two and Shari. That's when you spring into action."

"What are you going to do with the studio's computer system?" Steph asked.

"Brian and I are going to hack into the studio's computer system, and upload numerous 70's porn themes into the playback speakers. Memorable songs from memorable movies like 'Triple Input Boss Lady,' 'The 69ers,' 'Camp Clevage,' and 'Undercover Babes IV'."

"'Triple Input Boss Lady' was a memorable movie," Rob said with a smile.

"Dude, it was an instant classic," Brian said too.

"Won't you two shut up," Steph said.

"At any rate," Richard said, "the Hanson's will be distracted by the porn music, so they will go to the computers to see what is wrong. When they do, they will find all kinds of porn links. Now, we're talking about three young adolescent guys. They are going to have their way with the porn sites and, when they do, that's when you go in and rescue Fred."

"That's bloody brilliant," Rob said. "I'm sorry if I ever doubted you."

"Its alright, Rob," Richard responded.

So the three went their separate ways, as Rob and Steph boarded the concord and Richard and Brian started to hack into Buestone Studios computer system.

Rob and Steph landed at the Helsinki-Vantaa airport, where they met up with Shari. Shari, a huge Duncan Sheik fan, had been in Finland for a nursing convention for the past two weeks. She knew the lay out well, but most importantly, she know where Buestone Studios was.

Buestone Studios happened to be two hours from the airport, so Rob and Steph hopped into Shari's ultra-cool Beemer to drive to the studios. Shari drove like a maniac, but in Finland, there are no speed limits. With two miles remaining to the studio, the three Donuts parked the car in a parking garage. That way, all three could quietly walk up to the studio. In fifteen minutes, the Donuts made their way to the studio and positioned themselves to where they could see Fred, tied up and being tormented by the Hanson brothers.

"Damn, if he wasn't being held hostage, I'd say Fred would be quite funky," Shari said.

"Yes, Fred is quite hot and funky," Steph said, "but you have to admit those pants are out of this world."

"Fred is funky indeed," Rob said. "I hope Richard and Brian hurry up with the hacking."

Back at the Sheikcave, progress was slow on the computer hacking.

"I thought you said Dell was America's #1 PC you idiot," Richard said.

"Dude, that's what the people at Dell told me to say," Brian responded. "I didn't know they were a piece of shit."

"No wonder this is a piece of shit, I wanted you to give me a Dell with Pentium IV capabilities. You gave me a God Damn Dell with Pentium I capability. You were better off getting me a computer that ran off the energy exerted from three gerbils you idiot!" Richard responded as he hit Brian Curtis across the face.

Laying on the floor, Brian said, "Dude, I thought there was something funny about this Dell. Dude, I should've known you were getting a crappy Dell!"

Frustrated at the slow computer, Richard finally made some headway. The progress was slow because the computer itself was extremely slow, but finally, Richard broke into the studio's system. Then, he uploaded a wide variety of porn music that would be played inside the studio. However, the songs uploaded slowly. They did, though, upload successfully and the Hanson's were in for a saucy suprise.

Inside Buestone Studios, the Hansons were playing the awful song "Weird" on replay. Over and over, the song played, driving Funky Fred insane. The Funkiness was draining because, at this point, Fred was starting to sing along to the song.

"Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange/
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train/We're both trying to find a place in the sun/We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone/Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes/
Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain...." Fred sang outloud.

"Its working perfectly," Isaac said to Taylor and Zachary. "Funky Fred is being molded like puddy in our hands. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He's buckling under the pressure like a French skating judge."

"Yes, he is," the other two Hanson's said.

At this point, the porn music started to play on the speakers.

"What's that music?" Isaac asked.

"We don't know," Taylor and Zachary replied.

"Let's go to the computers to see what's going on," Isaac said.

All three of the Hansons went to the computer to see the porn links on the screen. Like three young boys, they all started exploring the world of internet porn.

"Oh, my, this is hot," Isaac said. "I think I'm going to fall in love with my hand."

"Oh this stuff is wild, but you should keep your hands away from me Isaac." Taylor said.

"Now, I can see why Mom wouldn't let me see this stuff," Zachary said.

All three were watching the porn as Fred sat unattended. Yet, Fred could see the reflections of porn pictures from the studio windows.

"I wish they hadn't tied up my hands," Fred said in frustration. "Gee, should I be saved?"

By this point, the Donuts felt vibrating sounds on their pagers. The message read, "Roll out, roll out, its time to get Fred."

The three Donuts quitely cut a hole in one of the studio's windows, and they walked over to Fred.

"Come on, buddy. We're taking you out of here," Rob told Fred.

"Dude, look at that. I didn't even know this was possible," Fred showing Rob the porn.

"Yeah, that's pretty kinky. I thought that stuff was outlawed."

As the voices of reason, Shari and Steph started to untie the rope around Fred's body.

"You can get your porn at home, you two. Let's go before they notice us," Steph said.

"Yeah, guys, come on," Shari said.

"Wrong choice of words, Shari," Steph said.

Shari and Steph finished untying Fred and all four of them were going to climb out the window when Isaac looked up to see the escape taking place.

"Stop right there," Isaac said. "Stop, I say, stop."

The four donuts climbed out of the studio quickly and started to run towards Shari's car, which was two miles away. Isaac was pretty quick, and considering the fact he had a Swinn Bicycle waiting outside, he had an advantage. The four donuts ran as fast as they could, but Isaac and his bicycle started to catch up to them.

"I'm going to get all four of you, and we're going to make some movies of our own," Isaac said.

"Your mother should wash your mouth out," Shari said. "As a mother myself, I would never imagine my children talking as dirty as you are."

By this time, Isaac grabbed Shari by her shoulder and was starting to pull her close to him. However, remembering the capabilities of her pager, Shari tried to grab her pager to disintigrate Isaac. Unfortunately, she dropped it. Steph, picking up on what Shari was doing, pulled out her pager, and sent a laser beam through Isaacs head, disintigrating him immediately.

All four of the Donuts returned to Shari's car safely, and then on the flight to America.

In the Sheikcave, all four of the Donuts met up with Richard to recount the events in Finland.

"Its glad to have you back with us Fred," Richard said.

"Thank you for helping to rescue me," Fred responded. "I owe you yet another favor down the line."

"You do, but just as long as you get your Funk back, its all good. Besides, it was a collective effort by all of us," Richard responded.

The mood was a happy occasion, except Steph felt upset at the fact that Duncan had not called.

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted Duncan to call me," Steph said.

"Duncan's quite busy right now," Rob responded. "He's probably holed up in the studio, working on his new CD. Things will be fine."

"If they're not," Shari said, "I know this great doctor that could coerce Duncan into calling you. His name is Dr. Phil McGraw. I heard he's great; so much so, Oprah has him on her episodes to help relationships. You should give him a call Steph."

"I think I will," Steph responded. "That's great. Duncan will be mine still."

So it goes, Fred was safely rescued, the gang was happily celebrating a major Donut accomplishment, and Steph received some helpful advice that would help her capture Duncan's heart. Everything was just funky for everyone.

The End

I hope everyone enjoyed this story.

Best,

Richard

posted February 20, 2002 01:24 AM            

Ironically, I didn't see the additions that you and Alex included on the thread until after I finished the ending. I tried to reload the site from one of the school's hunk of junk computers, and it never came up with the recent posts under this thread. It wasn't until after I sent the ending, went back to my dorm, and then to the library to do some electronic research that I found the storylines you and Alex posted. So, I felt quite dumb. My ending didn't even expand or incorporate your ideas.

However, we do have Fred back, which is the important thing. He might be humming MMMBop right now, but the doctor said that should go away in the next day or two.

posted February 20, 2002 08:22 AM            

"Well' goodnight guys! Ive got some work to do so, Ill be staying after hours"

Richard, shari, Fred, Steph and sundays child senced somthing was not right. Rob NEVER stayed after hours, much less to work. Something was up!

"Well, ummm.. yae ok" said Steph with a not so convincing tone.

Rob, cought on... "Yea, I'm seriouse guys, I've got mucho work..I'm studying hebrew tonight, yea thats the ticket"

Rich said: "Yea, well ok man, we'll be on our way" thinking what the f#ck!

Rob was on the internet, but what was going on? The Donuts left the sheicave as Rob bid them farewell. "See you tomorrow, or as they say in hebrew: lahncjghy!! yachaa!"

As night fell, and the darkness filled hollow grounds, Rob sat in front of the computer... just staring at it... with headphones on and a wicked smile on his
face.

But the other donuts did'nt go home. They stayed to talk about Rob's weird behavior.

"Whta's up with Rob?" Fred started the conversation. They all nknew they weer their to talk about Rob, but no one wanted to ask the that question. But Fred was too Funky not to ask.

Shari responded with a dash of sarcasm: "Yea what's up his ass"

posted February 20, 2002 10:34 AM            

I was just about to post that I had been relocated but no need for that now

Mmmmbop-mmbop-dop-du-dah-du-di-da-da-du-da-du-du-duhuuu-woohhoowooh!

I've been to rehab now, saw a therapist he was able to re-establish my funkyness. I don't think I can get any funkier than I am now. And it's all thanks to you guys. #

posted February 25, 2002 11:52 PM            

"I want one that says, 'Mom'," Ken responds with a smile.

"You're a poser, aren't you, pansy?" the tattoo artist snarls at Ken.

"Never, I'm staying true to myself, homeslice," Ken quips back.

"Whatever," the tattoo artist says. "If you ever call me homeslice again, I'm going beat your face in like a pound of beef, Pansy."

The tattoo artist started to do work on Ken's tattoo, dipping the needle in ink and then applying it to Ken's arm.

"Ouch," yells Ken. "I thought you said this wasn't going to hurt!"

"What, Pansy, you can't stand the pain," the tattoo artist says in a mocking tone. "You are a poser."

"Oh hell no, brother. I am tough," Ken says as he takes his right fist and slams it into his chest. As he slams his fist into his chest, Ken immediately loses his breath and starts to cough profusely.

"What a wimp," the artist says. "Sit still and let me get this over with."

Ken wanted to belong so much with the tough crowd, but he didn't know how. At that present moment, though, Ken knew he was in way over his head.

Meanwhile, at the Sheikcave, the Donuts were celebrating the safe return of Funky Fred from captivity in Finland. While Fred had a bad habit of singing "MMMBop," he was quickly breaking it and regaining his funkiness.
However, there was a problem. During the celebrations, Rob left the party, saying that he had some Hebrew work to take care of. The Donuts knew that Rob would put his work aside for a good party, which made Rob's actions weird. As they looked at Rob, they noticed that he had headphones on and a weird smile on his face.

"What's up with Rob?" Fred asked.

"Yeah, what's up his ass?" Shari asked.

"Besides his thumb," Richard responded, "I don't know."

Steph stared in pure amazement, as she's never seen Rob this way.

"Has anyone seen what's on the computer screen?" Steph asked. "I don't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't look right."

"Let's go look," Fred said with a funky curiosity. "Come on Richard, let's see what Rob is looking at."

Fred and Richard went over to the computer to see what Rob was viewing. To their suprise, Rob was looking at porn. Little did the Donuts know that Rob's e-mail address had been innundated with porn links, like how Sarah could swallow nine inches or on Sandy the Slutty Schoolgirl. Unfortunately, Rob became hooked. As Fred and Richard went to the computer, they became aware of Rob's viewing pleasure.

"Oh my God, are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Richard asked Fred.

"Yeah, that's position number two of the 'Praying Mantus.' Its very rare, only contortionists can undertake that position," Fred responded.

"How in the hell do you know that?" Richard asked.

"Um...um...oh, ah...umm...hmmm...uh...'cus I'm funky," Fred answered with a sheepish grin.

Fred and Richard both stared at the porn, amazed at what Rob was looking at.

"This stuff is unbelievable," Fred said. "They even have models doing the Crane, known in Germany as the Col. Hogan."

"Ah, yes, Bob Crane was an interesting man. He definitely had to be the one who invented the line, 'No, baby, that camera ain't turned on!'," Richard said.

As Fred and Richard engaged in idle chit chat, Shari and Steph started to grow impaitient. Shari stormed over to where the three male Donuts were to bring the situation to a close.

"Come o--Oh my, that has to be awkward," Shari said.

"Yeah, ain't it," Fred said. "This is the 'Man-of-war' position. Very fascinating."

"Yeah, it is interesting," Shari responded, "however, we need to help Rob."

At this time, Richard picks up Rob only to see that he has a little problem.

"Oh, this is gross," Richard said. "Rob, get yourself a cold shower."

Rob is in too much of a daze, wraps his arms tightly around Richard.

"Get him off of me," Richard yells.

"I don't think you'd want to do that," Fred and Shari say laughing.

"This ain't funny," Richard sighs.

Steph walks over and, with Fred and Shari, peels Rob off of Richard.

"I guess you saw a cumming attraction," Steph says. "But seriously, I think we need to help Rob get over his porn addiction."

"But how?" Fred asks.

"Is there a pornographer's annonymous?" Shari asked.

"Or a thread titled 'Pornographic Paths'," Richard inquires.

"I don't think a thread called 'Pornographic Paths' would help Rob," Steph says. "To be honest, I don't know what would help him."

"Rob needs to get laid. That's what he needs!" Fred says with a big grin.

"Easy there Trigger," Shari says. "This could be complicated, and I think we all need to collectively find a solution that will help Rob."

By this time, the red Sheik phone started to ring. Steph went over to answer the phone, starting up a conversation with the police chief.

"What's wrong, I wonder," Richard said.

"I hope nothing is serious," Shari said pondering her thoughts.

"Hmmm...things will be cool. Everything will be fine," Fred said in his typically laid back tone.

Steph walked back to the Donuts and said, "Okay gang, we have a new assignment. A fellow Donut, Ken Meyer, Jr. is in trouble. Fred, you stay with Rob. Richard and Shari, come with me," Steph said.

That's the end of this installment of "The Donut Files.

What's happened with Ken?

How are the Donuts going solve Rob's porn problem?

Find out here on this Donut station.

I hope everyone enjoyed the story.

Peace,

Richard

***The word "OOUUCCHH" edited by Webmaster Mike to correct horizontal scrolling problem***

[This message has been edited by Webmaster (edited February 27, 2002).]

posted February 26, 2002 11:47 AM            

Fred had no idea what to do with Rob's condition. How could he help Rob snap out of it? "so, you wanna see naked girls?" Rob responded like a savage with drool dripping downd his chin... "hulla!hulla!" "Well I've got he solution for you my dear Rob. come with me"

Fred had to look for a dog leash to get Rob out of the sheikcave. As they headed out, Rob started humping on Fred's leg. With one hand over his face, fred exclaimed : "This is too embarrasing"

With great difficulty, Fred hoped on the sheikmobile and headed to the nearest ariport. Their destination? SIN CITY.

As they boarded their private plane, Fred receives a call from the other Donuts.It's Steph> "Hey Fred, how's it going with Rob?"
"Well..Stop it Rob!" Fred slapls Rob with a news paper. " Oh, I'm sorry, he was humpimg on my leg again. Everythings under control. How is everything with you guys, Steph?
"You're not gonna beleive what Ken was up to"
"You gotta tell me all about. I'm headed to Vegas with Rob, I'll call as soon as I arrive.
"ok, Talk to you later Fred"
"Later Steph"

They board the plane and get ready gor take off.

Durring the flight, Rob go's bezerk! He starts howling at the moon and runs loose all over the plane. With much difficulty Fred gets a hold of Rob and locks him in the bathroom.

In the the dead of night the plane touches ground. As they get off the plane, some how, Rob get's loose again! He takes off running with all fours! "Rob! come back! come back!
Rob fades in the dead of night amomg the heat whispered trees. And poor Fred is left with a dog leash in one hand and a BIG problem in another!

" Ah shit..."

posted February 26, 2002 04:41 PM            

"Drugged?!" gasps Fred. "DRUGGED?!?!?!"
"Yes, they both just dropped into a deep sleep and I couldn't wake them up." I replied. "Rich didn't wake when I poked him."
"Rich didn't wake up when you poked him? That is puzzling." I could imagine Fred scratching his head.
"I think there's only one thing we can do."
There was a knock on the door.
"Hey!" said a voice. "Hey, how long are you going to be in there?"
"Just a minute!" I called back.
"What should we do?" Fred asked.
"Come on lady! You've been in there 15 minutes and there's no way you could have even tried to fit another person in there with you!" the voice said through the door.
"I'm on a very important phone call!" I yelled back. Geeze. People just have no respect sometimes.
"Fred, I think it's time to call her." I said.
"What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"Fred, we need to call in Jenn."
"George? Who's George?"
"I said we need to call JENN. J-E-N-N!"
"OH! Sorry. Hey, yeah, didn't she used to be a stripper? Maybe she can help us with Rob's problem."
"Well, I was thinking she would be good to have as back up with Rich and Shari out for the count at the moment." I replied. I had no idea that Jenn used to be a stripper, but I hoped Fred was talking about the same person that I was. "But maybe she would do a better job handling Rob."
"I'm not really doing a good job. I'm feeling pretty close to funked out trying to keep up with him." Fred said.
"Well, what do you think?"
"We should call Jenn. Rather, I'll call her. I'm sure she'll be glad to help."
We hung up. Outside the bathroom, there had accumulated a large line of people. Mutters of "thank god", "must have been some really bad indigestion", and "doesn't she realize there are other people on this flight?" followed me all the way back to my seat. I didn't understand why there was such a hold up. There were three bathrooms on the plane, but all the people seemed to be waiting on the one I was in. When I got back to my seat, I got another sick feeling. My two companions were now missing.
I grabbed a lady in the bathroom line. "Excuse me, do you know where my companions went?"
"Well, two of the flight attendants helped them back to the restrooms. They seemed to be quite ill."

posted February 27, 2002 12:47 PM            

Oh, I guess I should give my story; I was relaxing on the couch, talking on the phone.

"No Duncan, For: is a brilliant title, I just think you need to get it out to us soon. You know the other day I was thinking, maybe you should consider a live CD and maybe swinging a tour back up here; I know you are also working on PM II, but please - oh wait my other line."

Click

"Charlie? I told you to stop calling me, I know you have been short an angel since Drew is all depressed about her break up with Tom, but I said no…"

"Jenn we need your help." The voice on the line cut into my sentence.

It was not Charlie, it was Steph; my ego felt a little deflated maybe Charlie had given up on me. But something in Steph's voice sounded urgent; I had a feeling that my fellow Donuts were in trouble.

"My help? Hold on Steph, I am on the other line."

Click

"Duncan, I gotta go - I know you would like to continue this conversation, but the other Donuts need me"

Click

"I am back Steph"

Steph began to explain about the drugging, and Rob's porn problem, and how Ken's sudden transformation from daddy to motorcycle riding freak show.

"But I don't know how I can help."

"Fred said you learnt things at the strip club, that might be of help."

I stared at the phone dumb founded, how had Fred known about the strip club? No one knew about the strip club, I had not even used my own name, the story of Kandi Kane, had been hidden for years.

"Steph listen to me carefully, I think Fred is up to no good."

"That can not be true, he is the funkiest"

"Oh he is funky alright, but I think more so in the sense of my feet after a day in my leather sandals"

"Oh Jenn, you are so gross"

"That might be true Steph, but thing about it. That whole mysterious John Mayer post thing, then claiming he did not write it. There is something fishy there."

"But he is Fred. The Fred we know and love."

"Perhaps, but one can never be certain this day in age. You can not let Rich and Shari out of your sight. Especially Rich, do not believe his claims that he has to work on his thesis; I have a sinking suspicion that he is the mastermind behind the porn, and any excuse he uses to get to a computer is just bad news. Rich is a smart guy, I think he might be placing subliminal messages in the porn in an attempt to control Rob's mind. I might be wrong, but better safe than sorry."

"Jenn isn't that a little paranoid?"

"You called me, isn't paranoid my middle name? And what is going on with Ken? Has anyone checked his browser history? Has he somehow fallen pray to the porn?"

posted February 28, 2002 07:57 AM            

There has to be a logical explanation to all this madness!! Rich, Fred and Wolf are all part of the team!! There must be someone controling our minds through subliminal maipulation But who? The dell boy? Perhaps he's gettin' some revenge? Who know's!

posted March 01, 2002 08:14 AM            

Fred dries his hand with a near by towel; " ok Rob, up an adam, it's time for your cold bath again"
Rob does'nt seem to budge. When all of a sudden...
"Fred, what the hell is going on?" asked a very confused Rob. As if the spell wore off.
"Why am I butt naked? and why are you holding my hand?"
"Ummm... I can explain Rob...it's not what your thinking"
"how do you know I'm thinking what your thinking?" asked Rob. 'well, it's the look on your face"
"What look? and let go of my hand "

By this time, Fred was looking like a child molester.

Fed explains. "listen man, to make a long story short, you got all horny and stated looking at porn. So, I took you here, sin city to get you laid. It did'nt seem to work, so now I'm giving you cold showers"

Rob was convinced.He responded proptly. "Ok do you have a lap-top here Fed?

"Well, yes"

Rob asked as they moved to the living room of their hotel room.

"Okay, did you see the site I was logged into at the time this happened?

Fred said: "Yea I think it was www.pussycat.com"

"holytammoly" replied Rob. This site has a 45mb3dblackbox installed in it's software system. This is the same one that was you in the cold war days to misslead our spies. Remeber?"

"bygolly! Yes I do!" replied an amazed Fred. This can also be disolved in liquied and be used in hyper sensative am frequencys. That explains all this madness"

"But who could be behind all this?" asked Rob.

Fred scratches his head and ponders. " Idont' know but it has to someone in the agency"

"Perhaps a sleeper?" suggested Rob as he was putting on his "Duncan Rocks" t-shirt on.

When all of a sudden. an unexpected phone call.

Fred goes to answer, but no one on the other end replys. "Hello!"

Rob quikly goes to get their stuff."Fred, hang up the phone. Teir comming to get us. Don't you get it? We're no use to the agency any more. They want to eliminate us. Move!"

Fred hangs up and rushes to his cell phne. " Crap lets call Steph and the others"

"yea let's go. we'll meet up with them"

Rob and Fred take off. But Just when they are heading out the door, they spot a spook possing as a tourist; But something was wrong with the picture, like those funny lookin' sandles he was wearing.

Fred and Rob thought "no one sells those sandles to tourist around these parts".They caught on, and moved fast. Luckily the spok did'nt notice them.

What happens next?? hehehe...check it out, check it out! onlyon your wacky Donut thread!

posted March 04, 2002 02:52 PM            

Jenn knocks on the door of the hotel room.
"Come on guys, I have my hands full! I can't get to the door key!" She yells. Her hands certainly were full. She had three bowls of popcorn and a bottle of wine. Frusterated, she started to kick at the door. This aroused the people in other rooms in the hallway.
"Hey! Could you stop kicking that door? My kids are trying to sleep!!"
"Sorry!" Jenn yells back. "I can't open the freakin' door and my friends won't let me in!!"
After ten minutes of kicking the door, Jenn decided Fred and Rob were not going to help her out. She put down the snacks and took the keycard out of her pocket. Opening the door she was shocked to find the beds in a state of disarray and all the luggage missing. Fearing that the place had ransacked and all the matterials taken Jenn started to dance around the room screaming at the world.
Her pants started to vibrate and, not being accustomed to having a pager, Jenn wasn't sure what to think. Realizing it was her special issue pager, she pulled it out and looked at the message.
"Call me for a good time? What the hell...." she muttered. "Must be a message from Rob."
Grabbing the hotel phone she dialed the number.
"Hello, you've reached Rob and Fred's voicemail. We are on another call, so leave us a message and we'll get back to you," Jenn hears on the phone.
"They call me and I can't call them back? What kind of crap is that?" Jenn wonders in disgust. She hangs up the phone after telling the boys to get back to her. Grabbing a bowl of popcorn, Jenn curls up on the bed and starts to watch Cinderella on HBOK20 (HBO for kids).
Her pager goes off again. She reads "So, you want a good time?"
Rolling her eyes, she grabs the phone again.
"Hey, this is Fred," Rob says.
In the background, Jenn hears Fred say, "No, you are Rob, I'm Fred."
"I don't care who is who, what's going on?" Jenn demands.
"I'm sorry we had to rush off like that and leave you. We are currently in a police vehicle on our way to the airport."
"well, why did you have to take my bag? I don't have anyother clothes now, plus you have my toothbrush."
"Sorry, we didn't want to leave anything for them to find."
"Well what am I supposed to do now?"
"Get to California," Fred says, taking the phone from Rob. "And get here fast!"
The conversation starts to break up.
"Guys! Guys, I can't hear what you are saying. It almost sounds like someone singing Wayne Newton!" Jenn says.
"Oops, forgot to turn off the phone. Sorry. Hey Jenn. We'll be in touch. Call Steph if you need more info. Gotta go! Continue, Wayne!" Fred says before hanging up.

Frustrated, Jenn puts down the phone and eats some more popcorn, trying to think of what to do next. For one thing, without her bags, she has no money, which could possibly be a problem when she goes to check out of the hotel....